Screw You Guys, I'm Buying a Car Company! (Or At Least Reporting On It)

Respect My Authoritah! New Guy in Charge

Okay listen up you guys. Stellantis which is apparently some big shot car company that makes Jeeps and stuff (whatever) just got a new CEO. This dude Antonio Filosa who sounds like he should be slinging pizzas is now running the whole shebang. He's taking over for some loser named Carlos Tavares who apparently sucked so bad his profits went down. I bet he was a ginger. Seriously I hate gingers!

Blame Canada! (And Maybe Trump)

Turns out this Tavares dude quit 'cause things were getting all screwy with the economy and apparently Donald Trump (RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!) is messing everything up with his stupid trade wars. Now I don't know anything about trade or whatever but I do know that if Trump is involved there's probably a bunch of crying liberals involved too. Wah wah wah the economy is bad! Suck it up snowflakes!

25 Years of Torture?

So this Filosa guy has been at Stellantis for like 25 years! Can you imagine? Twenty five years of making cars that probably only hippies drive? That’s even worse than going to PC Principal’s office every day! I bet he’s plotting his revenge like Scott Tenorman when he planned on getting back at me… Wait scratch that analogy!

Stellantis Stocks Tanking? Not Cool!

Apparently Stellantis' stocks are down like 27%. I don’t even know what that means but it sounds like they’re losing all their money. Maybe they should just sell the company and make a movie about it. I'd watch that. As long as I get to play the main character obviously.

The Hippies Are Doomed!

Filosa says he is taking over at a 'pivotal time'. I bet he’s gonna fire all the hippie designers and start making cars that are actually cool. Like imagine a Jeep that shoots lasers and plays Kyle’s Mom's a B**** on repeat. That's what I'm talking about!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home... in My New Laser Jeep!

So yeah that's the news. Some new dude is running a car company. Hopefully he's not a PC Principal and he makes good cars. Otherwise I'm gonna complain about it on the internet because that’s what Americans do! Now screw you guys I'm going home. And I better find a laser Jeep in my driveway!