Screw You Guys, I'm Buying Gold! It's the Only Safe Haven That Doesn't Suck!

Respect My Authoritah! Gold is King!

Okay listen up you guys! Eric Cartman here and I'm dropping some serious truth bombs on you. All this talk about the Japanese yen and the Swiss franc being 'safe havens'? Total bullcrap! Gold is where it's at and it's kicking everyone else's ass in 2025. Like 30% gains? That's more than Kenny gets killed in a week! And that's saying something. Fiscal sustainability concerns? Wars? Who cares! Gold doesn't give a crap about that stuff. It's like the ultimate 'screw you guys I'm going home' asset. You know like when I don't get my Cheesy Poofs!

Treasuries? More Like TREASURE IES of Crap!

So these 'experts' at the Asia Pacific Precious Metals Conference or whatever they're finally figuring it out. Gold is nobody's liability! That's right it's not like those stupid U.S. Treasuries where you're basically betting on America not going totally bankrupt. And let's be honest with Trump's 'reciprocal' tariffs and Moody's downgrading everything that's a risky bet you guys! It's like trusting Kyle with your allowance money you're gonna get screwed! So yeah Treasuries are for losers. Respect my authoritah!

The Dollar? More Like the DOLLAR DOLLAR BILL Y'ALL...Down the Drain!

The dollar is weak the yen and franc are barely holding on and even U.S. bonds are doing worse than Kenny's dating life. But gold? Gold is soaring baby! $3,403.09 and still climbing! Everyone's worried about the future of the dollar and I don't blame them. It's like Wendy trying to break up with Stan every other week totally unstable! So what's the smart kid to do? Buy gold duh! It's elementary my dear Butters.

Blame Canada! (and Trump!)

Trump's tariffs the debt to GDP ratio whatever. It's all crap! Gold doesn't care about your stupid political games. It's like when I pretend to be a robot to avoid doing chores it just doesn't affect it! Gold just sits there being shiny and valuable. That's why even the World Gold Council is saying people are losing faith in U.S. assets. Even they know that the only safe thing in this world is cold hard gold. You know like my heart!

Japan and Switzerland? More Like Japan CRAP and Switzer LANDFILL!

Japan's got 'structural issues,' the Swiss are messing with their interest rates...it's all a mess! Who wants to invest in that crap? Not me! The Bank of Japan is keeping rates low which is stupid and the Swiss are trying to discourage people from buying their francs. It's like they're begging you not to invest in them! Gold on the other hand is just sitting there waiting for you to throw your money at it. It's so easy even Butters could do it!

Screw You Guys I'm Getting Rich! (With Gold!)

So there you have it you guys. Gold is apolitical has intrinsic value and central banks are buying it up like crazy. It's the only safe haven that actually makes sense. So while you're all busy worrying about your stupid dollars and yens I'll be swimming in gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. And when the whole world goes to hell in a handbasket I'll be sitting pretty saying 'Screw you guys I'm going home!' to my solid gold mansion. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go buy some more gold. Respect my authoritah!