Shut Up and Take My Money! Venmo Finally Makes Some Actual Money

Good News Everyone!

Alright alright settle down meatbags! It's Leela reporting live ish from Planet Express...or well my cramped apartment. Anyway big news! Remember Venmo? That thing you use to avoid paying your debts to your so called friends? Well it seems to be actually making some money for PayPal! I know shocking right? Like finding out Zoidberg is actually a good doctor! ...Okay maybe not *that* shocking.

20% More Money? Sweet Zombie Jesus!

Apparently Venmo revenue increased by 20% year over year. Twenty percent! That's like what a whole extra Bender's worth of booze money? PayPal acquired Venmo way back in 2013 and for a while it seemed like it was just bleeding them dry. But it looks like they're finally figuring out how to squeeze some cash out of it. Maybe they should hire Mom to consult – she knows a thing or two about squeezing things!

Why Not Zoidberg? (Because He's Broke!)

The problem was everyone just used Venmo to send money to each other. No one was actually *paying* Venmo anything. It's like if all our Planet Express customers just sent each other packages and never paid *us*! Thankfully they've started charging for stuff like using Venmo for online purchases Venmo debit cards and those instant transfers for when you *really* need that Slurm now. Smart move you greedy snails!

Competition? I've Seen Worse...

Now I hear there are rivals like Zelle and Square Cash trying to muscle in on Venmo's action. But hey I've faced down worse. I mean I've wrestled a Martian! If Venmo keeps pushing those debit cards and online checkout options they might just be able to carve out their own little niche. Good for them now maybe they can afford to fix their UI and add a dark mode!

Debit Card Mania!

Speaking of debit cards they added nearly 2 million new users! And the amount of money being spent using PayPal and Venmo debit cards went up over 60%! That's a lot of pizza and popplers my friends. Also people are actually paying with Venmo at online stores. Who knew you could trust the internet enough to buy things?

To Infinity...and Beyond Broke!

So there you have it. Venmo is finally making some real money. PayPal still missed their revenue expectations overall but at least Venmo is pulling its weight for once. I guess even a one eyed delivery girl can be surprised sometimes. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go remind Fry to pay me back for that Slurm Loco I bought him last week. And this time I'm charging him extra for the convenience!