Good News, Everyone! Oil Prices Soar as Israel and Iran Throw Down! (And Trump's Playing "Will He, Won't He?" with Nukes)

War is Heck (and Expensive!)

Alright meatbags buckle up 'cause your wallets are about to feel the burn. Oil prices are up and not just a little bit. We're talking a 3% jump which in 3000 terms means you'll be paying extra for that Slurm Loco you crave. Why? Because Prime Minister Netanyahu and his itchy trigger finger decided to crank up the heat on Iran. 'Strategic targets,' he says. Sounds like a fancy way of saying 'boom' to me.

Brent's Back Baby!

That global oil benchmark Brent yeah that fancy pants stuff it went up to $78.85 a barrel. Highest it's been since January 22nd! U.S. crude oil ain't lagging behind neither briefly reaching $77.58 per barrel. All this excitement over bombs and geopolitical squabbles? Makes you wonder if we should all invest in a good ol' fashioned wind powered pogo stick.

Blame Game: Netanyahu vs. Ayatollah!

So here's the gist: Netanyahu's ordering attacks on Iran claiming it's to 'undermine the ayatollah's regime'. Apparently some Iranian missile hit a hospital in Beersheba. Now Katz Israel's Defense Minister is threatening Ayatollah Ali Khamenei saying he 'should not continue to exist'. That escalated quickly didn't it? Reminds me of the time Bender threatened to melt down all the world's landmarks if he didn't win the Miss Universe pageant.

Trump's Wildcard: To Nuke or Not to Nuke?

And just when you thought things couldn't get weirder President Trump chimes in with his classic 'maybe I'll nuke 'em maybe I won't' routine. 'Nobody knows what I'm going to do,' he says. Classic Trump! Honestly sometimes I think he's just trying to distract us from the fact that he probably doesn't know where his own pants are. The White House says he'll decide within two weeks. Two weeks to decide whether to start a nuclear war? That's like giving Zoidberg two weeks to learn brain surgery!

OPEC's Got Issues and They Ain't Small

JPMorgan those number crunching eggheads are warning that regime change in Iran could send oil prices skyrocketing. Iran's a big player in OPEC so if things go south there prepare for gas prices higher than a giraffe's... well you know. Apparently these financial guru's are foreseeing the kind of mess that's like the professor's inventions: guaranteed to make things much much worse.

The Bottom Line: Ouch!

So what does all this mean for you the average citizen of Earth? Pain. At the pump. Higher prices for everything that's transported by fossil fuels. Maybe it's time to seriously consider switching to alternative energy sources like… uh… friendship? Okay I'm working on it! But in the meantime get ready to tighten your belts because this could be a bumpy ride. Oh and don't say I didn't warn you!