Doh! BP's Profits Take a Dive! Is This the End of My Gas Guzzling?

Mmm Profits: Not as Tasty as a Donut!

D'oh! You know I was expecting BP's profits to be like a super sized donut all glazed and delicious. But apparently they only made $1.38 billion in the first three months. That's less than the $1.6 billion the nerds with the calculators predicted! What gives? I need that cheap gas to power my car... and my blender for those delicious margaritas!

Strategic Reset? Sounds Like Marge Trying to Organize the Garage!

So these fancy pants at BP had a "strategic reset." Sounds like when Marge tries to clean the garage and ends up just moving the same junk around. Apparently they're gonna spend less on saving the planet (boo!) and more on digging up more oil (yay... for now!). CEO Murray Auchincloss (who names these guys?) says they're off to a "great start." I hope that start involves lowering gas prices! Maybe they should try selling donuts at the gas station that's always a winner!

Dividends and Buybacks: Can I Get Some Beer Money?

Okay this is where my brain starts to hurt. They're giving out 8 cents per share as a dividend... can I trade that in for a Duff? And they're buying back $750 million worth of shares. I don't even know what that means! Does it mean I get a free tank of gas? Probably not. Stupid Sexy Flanders probably knows all about this stuff.

Uh Oh Debt! Sounds Like My Credit Card Bill After a Weekend at Moe's

Net debt rose to $26.97 billion! D'oh! That's like my credit card bill after a weekend at Moe's Tavern except you know a few billion times bigger. They say it's because of lower production and higher debt. Maybe they should try cutting back on the avocado toast and lattes. Just sayin'.

Activist Investors: More Annoying Than Bart with a Megaphone!

Now there are these "activist investors" breathing down their necks. These guys are like Bart with a megaphone always causing trouble. They want BP to focus more on oil and less on those windmills and solar panels. I say give the people what they want: cheap gas and big cars! Woohoo!

Takeover Target? Mmm Takeover... Like Taking Over the Couch for a Nap!

Rumor has it BP might get taken over. Mmm takeover... it sounds like a sweet nap on the couch! Apparently they're not doing as well as other oil companies so someone might buy them up. The CEO says he's not worried but I bet he's sweating like Barney at a beer chugging contest. Hopefully whoever takes over will keep the gas cheap. For me!