Trump Just Screwed Biden's Stupid Steel Deal! Respect My Authoritah!

Screw You Guys I'm Reporting on Steel!

Alright alright settle down you Butterses. Cartman here reporting live from my mom's basement. So apparently that dumbass Trump is messing with Biden's precious steel deal. You know the one where those Japane I mean Japanese guys from Nippon Steel wanted to buy U.S. Steel? Biden being the total hippie he is blocked it saying it was a 'national security risk.' Can you believe that? Like who cares if they make steel somewhere else? As long as I get my Cheesy Poofs I'm good. But seriously I NEED THEM!

Trump's Back Baby! (And He's Making Steel Great Again?)

But guess what? Trump that glorious bastard swooped in and said 'Hold on a minute! Let's review this crap again!' He ordered the Committee on Foreign Investment in the United States – CFIUS or as I like to call them 'the guys who decide if we can buy cool Japanese robots' – to take another look. And the result? U.S. Steel shares went up like me trying to get to the front of the line at KFC. 11%! Eleven freaking percent! Respect my authoritah!

National Security My Ass!

Biden's all worried about 'critical supply chains' and stuff. He thinks if Nippon Steel takes over we'll be screwed if we need like steel for… uh… more freedom machines or whatever. But I say who gives a crap? As long as we can still make tanks to protect ourselves from those damn hippies we're golden. Besides Trump had a meeting with some Japanese dude named Shigeru Ishiba and apparently softened his stance. Maybe Ishiba promised him a lifetime supply of Hello Kitty merchandise? Who knows.

Nippon's Gonna Pimp U.S. Steel (Maybe)

Trump said Nippon would 'invest heavily' in U.S. Steel not just buy it. Invest! Like they're gonna build a giant robot factory and churn out steel Transformers or something! That's what I'm talking about! More kick ass stuff! Less whiny liberal tears! This is way better than Biden's plan which probably involved hugging the steel and singing Kumbaya. Seriously screw that.

45 Days to Decide My Future!

So now these CFIUS nerds have 45 days to tell Trump if Nippon's 'measures' are good enough to stop any 'national security risks.' Measures? Like are they gonna promise to make all their steel in the shape of American flags? Whatever. As long as I get my cut I don't care. I am very upset!

Get Your Tickets to Pro LIVE? Who Cares!

Blah blah blah something about a CNBC Pro LIVE event at the New York Stock Exchange? Sounds boring. Like watching Butters try to do long division. They want you to pay money to hear some dudes talk about 'uncertain markets' and 'expert insights.' Screw that. I'm gonna go play video games and eat Cheesy Poofs. You should too. You know I'm gonna go home and re think my life.