Screw You Guys, I'm Shorting Iran! Wall Street Shrugs Off Bombings Like They're Kyle's Mom

Iran? More Like I RAN Out of Cheesy Poofs!

Okay so apparently America decided to bomb Iran or something. I don't know I was busy playing video games and eating Cheesy Poofs. But get this some Wall Street guy named Jim Cramer (who sounds like a Jew no offense) says it's no big deal! Can you believe it? Bombing Iran and nobody cares! It's like when Kyle tries to tell everyone about his problems and we all just roll our eyes. Screw you Kyle and screw you Iran! Respect my Authoritah!

Oil Prices: More Like Toilet Paper Prices Am I Right?

So these 'oil prices' everyone's always whining about? They actually went DOWN after the bombing! Down I tell you! It's like when Cartman Land made no money – total opposite day! Turns out America's got so much oil now we could probably fill Kyle's mom's pool with it (and she'd probably charge us for it the Jew). I'm thinking of investing maybe I'll become an oil baron and make everyone call me 'Your Majesty'.

The S&P 500? Sounds Like a Stupid Board Game

Apparently some mystical thing called the S&P 500 went UP after the bombing too! UP! It's all so confusing! It's like when Butters tries to explain quantum physics – I just tune him out and think about Cheesy Poofs. Anyway this Cramer dude says it's 'cause America's got all these company profits going on. Kroger's selling more crap some banks might merge (which sounds boring) and some chip company is doing good. Who cares? As long as they keep making video games!

Iran Closing the Strait of Hormuz? Good Luck With That!

So apparently Iran COULD like close some important water passage thingy called the Strait of Hormuz. Apparently 20% of global crude consumption flowed through the waterway last year according to the Energy Information Administration. I guess I don't care that much do whatever you want! If they do oil prices will go up and I'll sell my oil stocks for a profit! Smart huh? Respect my Authoritah!

Trump Says What Now?

Even President Trump chimed in saying everyone should keep oil prices low or else they're 'playing into the hands of the enemy.' I swear to god this is just like when he was trying to get me to respect his authoritah by singing that Stupid Spoiled Whore song! It's all just so tiresome. But I'm with Trump on this one keep those Cheesy Poof prices down dammit!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home (to Count My Money)!

So the moral of the story is: bombing Iran is apparently no big deal. Oil prices are down stocks are up and I'm probably going to make a fortune. Screw you guys I'm going home... to count my money and eat a mountain of Cheesy Poofs! Maybe I'll even buy my own army and take over the world. That'll show those stupid hippies!