Screw You Guys, I'm Getting Rich! (Off This Iran-Israel Oil Crisis)

Respect My Authoritah! The Adults Are Fighting Again

Okay so listen up you guys. Apparently Israel decided to be a bunch of Butters and go all 'South Park Bigger Longer & Uncut' on Iran's ass. They bombed some of their nuke y stuff and their ballistic missile thingamajigs. And guess what? Oil prices went up! Like way up! Fourteen percent you guys! That's like more than Kenny dies in half the episodes. But it's all good because now I can finally afford to buy City Wok!

Kick Ass and Take Names But Mostly Kick Ass!

But here's the thing you guys. Apparently Israel was all 'Oh we're just messing with you' and didn't actually blow up their oil stuff. So the prices went down again. What a bunch of cock suckers! Some Wells Fargo dude named Roger Read (HAHAHA Read!) said it's all just 'fears' driving the prices up. No duh Sherlock! Like people think the world's gonna end or something. It's like that time the guinea pigs took over! Everyone freaks out for no reason.

Blame Canada! No Wait... Blame Iran!

This UBS nerd Mark Haefele says if there aren't any supply problems the oil prices will drop again. Well DUH! That's like saying if Kenny doesn't die he won't be dead! No shit Sherlock! And apparently this whole mess is just a big overreaction because two months ago oil was cheap as hell because of OPEC and Trump's stupid tariffs. You know Orange man bad and all that crap whatever.

I'm Not Fat I'm Big Boned! (And Rich!)

Goldman Sachs – those greedy bastards – are saying everything will be fine by 2026. They think oil will be cheap again because they don't think Iran will do anything stupid. But they also said if Israel really screws up Iran's oil prices could go to $90 a barrel! And if Iran closes the Strait of Hormuz? Over $100! That's more than I charge for a Cartman Burger! CHA CHING!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home! (To My Money)

Some lady at RBC named Helima Croft (what kind of name is that?) said it'd be hard for Iran to close the Strait because the US Navy is there. But she also said Iran could blow up tankers or plant mines. That's just great. Sounds like a job for Captain Hindsight! Why didn't we think of this sooner!?

Beefcake!!! Beefcake!!!!

Some other dude named John Kilduff (another stupid name!) said oil prices always go up when Iran's involved but then they always go down again. He says everyone needs to just chill out. But how can I chill out when I could be getting richer than Bill Gates you guys?! Respect my authoritah! So listen here you stupid jews I mean you stupid guys this could get interesting! Maybe I will buy City Wok for real. Maybe even rename it to Cartman's Chud Free City Wok. Get it? Chud free. You're a chud.