Screw You Guys, I'm Buying U.S. Steel (Kinda, Sorta, Thanks Trump!)

Respect My Authoritah! (and Trump's Apparently)

Alright listen up you guys! It's Eric Cartman here and I'm reporting on some seriously important stuff. Apparently this Japanese company Nippon Steel wants to buy U.S. Steel. Now normally I wouldn't give a crap about some stupid steel company but this involves Trump and that means it's automatically awesome. Well at least potentially awesome. If it makes liberals cry it's awesome by default. You know like when I dress up as Hitler for Halloween? Totally awesome.

Biden's Being a Total Butters!

So Biden being the Butters that he is tried to block the whole thing because of 'national security' or some crap. He's probably just jealous he didn't think of it first. Seriously though he said the deal could screw up our supply chains. Like what even IS a supply chain? Sounds boring. But then Trump bless his cotton socks stepped in and said 'Screw you Biden! It's a partnership!' And just like that the deal might actually happen. Take that you stupid nincompoop!

$14 Billion? Sweet! Can I Have Some?

Trump also said Nippon is gonna dump $14 billion into U.S. Steel over the next 14 months. Fourteen BILLION! That's like more money than I've ever seen in my entire life! Where's my cut Trump? I deserve some of that sweet sweet cash! I could buy Kenny a new parka... or maybe just a bucket of KFC for myself. Priorities people!

Pittsburgh Stays Pitsburgh Dudes!

The other good news is that U.S. Steel's headquarters are staying in Pittsburgh. Which let's be honest probably smells like coal and sadness but at least it's *American* coal and sadness! Plus I heard they make good pierogies there. Pierogies are awesome almost as awesome as me.

Golden Shares and American CEOs: Winning!

Apparently some guy named Dave McCormick (who I'm sure is totally cool) said that U.S. Steel will have an American CEO and most of the board members will be American too. Plus there's some 'golden share' thingy that means the U.S. government gets to approve board members and make sure they don't cut production. Which basically means America still gets to call the shots. Good! As they should duh!

Respect My Authoritah! Part 2

So yeah that's the story. Nippon Steel might buy U.S. Steel Trump's kinda okay with it Biden's being a whiny little biatch and America still gets to be in charge. As long as I get some of that $14 billion I'm cool with it. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go practice yelling at Kyle. Screw you guys I'm going home!