Bite My Shiny Metal Barrel: Iran, Israel, and the Oil Apocalypse (Maybe)

Assault and Battery... Of Oil Prices!

Alright meatbags Bender here ready to tell you how the world might end... or at least how you might have to pay more for my fuel I mean YOUR fuel. Turns out if the U.S. or Israel decide to rearrange Iran's leadership it's gonna make a mess of the oil market. JPMorgan says so and they're usually right about how to squeeze more money out of you suckers. If Iran gets more destabilized oil prices are going to go through the roof! And what's that going to mean for my ability to acquire precious precious booze?

Trump vs. Khamenei: Who's Got the Bigger Nuclear Arsenal... Of Insults?

So Trumpy boy was threatening Iran's supreme leader on Twitter. Good thing I don't need to worry about silly things like international diplomacy. "I'm going to build my own theme park with blackjack and hookers. In fact forget the park!" Anyway Apparently Israel wanted to off the Ayatollah but Trump put the kibosh on it. Probably saving it for his reality TV show. "Bite my shiny metal ass!" to anyone who thinks this is all a good idea.

Regime Change: It's Like a Bad Remake of a Bad Movie

This Kaneva dame at JPMorgan says regime change in oil producing countries is bad news. Shocker! Apparently Iran is a big oil player pumping out 1.6 million barrels a day. If that goes belly up prices will skyrocket! History shows that when oil producing countries go through regime changes crude prices go up by a whopping 76%. Those are robot hooker prices right there!"I love stealin'. It's my hobby."

The Iranian Revolution: A Blast From the Past (That Hurts My Wallet)

Remember the Iranian Revolution back in '79? No? Well I do because it affected my ability to buy beer at the time. Oil exports plummeted prices doubled and everyone was miserable... except for me! "I'm gonna be rich!" Luckily I was a robot at the time so I didn't have to worry about the financial market or any of that nonsense. Still those were dark times for oil prices.

Fleeting Spike: Like My Interest in Non Alcoholic Beverages

Now JPMorgan also says this oil price spike might not last if Iran doesn't go full on crazy. Conflicts involving Israel usually don't mess things up for too long. But then they mentioned the Yom Kippur War and everyone knows that was a disaster. "Let's face it I'm kind of a big deal."

Strait of Hormuz: More Like Strait of 'Hold On to Your Wallets'

Apparently there's a slim chance Iran will block the Strait of Hormuz because the U.S. military would turn them into scrap metal which would be a waste of perfectly good materials. One fifth of the world's oil goes through that little gap. The oil market has been relatively calm with prices only going up by 10%. But trust me it's just the beginning of my plan to cause mass hysteria. "I'm going to be the hero of this story!"