Good News Everyone! Earth Economy Does a Bender, Dips Lower Than Fry's IQ!

Whaaa?! Negative Growth? Are We Sure Professor Didn't Fiddle With the Numbers?

Alright meatbags Leela here reporting live from... well wherever they let me plug in my eyePhone. Turns out Earth's economy took a nosedive faster than Zoidberg at a clam bake in the first quarter of 2025. Gross Domestic Product – that fancy thing economists use to measure how much stuff we're making and buying – went down 0.3%. Down! Like my paycheck after Bender gets to it. Apparently it's the first time since early 2022 that things have gone south. And economists? Those guys were expecting a positive 0.4%. They're about as accurate as Fry trying to parallel park. I swear sometimes I think they just pull numbers out of their... hats.

Tariffs Tariffs Everywhere! Blame it on the Trump Thingy

So what's the deal? Turns out President Trump's trade war is about as popular as Mom's Friendly Robot Company raising prices. Apparently everyone's been importing like crazy trying to beat the tariffs that came into effect in April. Imports shot up 41.3%! And exports? A measly 1.8%. That's like me trying to fly the Planet Express ship with my one eye closed. It ain't pretty. Some economist Chris Rupkey even said there's 'no way to sugar coat this'. Maybe he should try adding some dark matter that stuff makes anything taste better.

Spending Slows? Did Everyone Suddenly Realize They're Broke?

Consumer spending also took a hit growing only 1.8%. That's the slowest it's been since the second quarter of 2023. What are you people doing with your money? Saving it? Don't you know that's what got us into the dark ages the first time around? Though I hear that spending was up 0.7% in March so maybe you're all just bad at budgeting. On the plus side private domestic investment soared rising 21.9%. So at least someone is doing something useful. Though I bet it's just Amazon buying more warehouses.

Elon Musk's Efficiency Drive: Making Things Inefficient Since 2025!

And don't even get me started on the government. Federal government expenditures declined 5.1%. I heard Elon Musk was in charge of government efficiency at the time. That makes sense. The man's always been good at creating things that people don't need.

Trump Blames Biden Because Why Not?

Of course Trump had to chime in on his Truth Social account blaming it all on 'Biden's Stock Market not Trump's'. Because apparently he can't take responsibility for anything. Even if he was President at the time. He's also promising tariffs will start kicking in soon and companies will start moving into the USA. Sounds like a lot of 'bite my shiny metal ass' promises if you ask me.

Inflation's Higher Than Hermes' Limbo Score!

To make matters worse inflation is up too. The personal consumption expenditures price index (try saying that five times fast) posted a 3.6% gain. The markets are still hoping for a rate cut. Which is about as likely as Zapp Brannigan getting a promotion. In other news the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that the employment cost index rose 0.9%. So basically things are bad but not terrible. Yet. As Robert Frick said the consumer spending growth was weak but not alarming so we might all just be overreacting... or we're all doomed who knows?