Rats! Trump's Tariffs Triggering a Recession? I Should Have Invested!

One Million Dollars...Er A Recession!

Mwahahaha! So it seems those pesky tariffs that Donald Trump put in place are about to wreak havoc on the American economy. Torsten Slok from Apollo Global Management says we could be looking at a recession this summer! This is almost as good as shrinking Austin's mojo! Almost. I mean seriously who needs gold when you have economic chaos? It's untraceable! Mwahahaha!

Empty Shelves: The Horror! The Horror!

Apparently because of these tariffs containerships are slowing down! Which means…*gasp*…EMPTY SHELVES! Can you imagine? No more reasonably priced Chinese goods for the masses! It's like a mini Ice Age but instead of freezing you're just…unsatisfied! Mark my words soon everyone will be fighting over the last roll of toilet paper just like in the good old Covid days. I should start hoarding now. Mini Me to the bunker! We need to secure the Charmin!

The Layoff Laser!

And it gets worse my minuscule minions! These shortages are going to lead to layoffs in trucking and retail! People losing their jobs left and right! It’s like my layoff laser but instead of vaporizing people it’s just…making them unemployed. Still evil though! Unemployment at a time when consumer prices are peaking... my diabolical plans are coming together. The economy of the United States will soon be mine. Mine I tell you! I'll hold the world hostage... with a single badly placed zero interest rate!

The B Word: Recession

All this points to one thing: RECESSION! Oh the sweet sweet sound of it. It's music to my ears! Especially since I'm secretly shorting the entire market. Mwahahaha! Time to invest in canned goods and bunkers my friends! The end is neigh! (Or near whatever). But wait I need to remember not to invest in sea bass! I'm still paying for that mistake!

145 Percent?! That's Insane!

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent admits the tariff situation is "unsustainable"? No kidding! 145% tariffs on Chinese goods! That's even crazier than my plan to drill a hole to the center of the Earth! It's absurd! But hey keeps those prices inflated! In fact it's a perfect time to raise our prices in Evil Corp! This will increase our revenue so we can develop our new doomsday device in peace! You know a regular death ray is so cliché!

Detox or Disaster? We Shall See!

Bessent thinks it's just a "detox period" for the economy? Please! I've seen more convincing acting in a community theater production of 'Cats'! This is a disaster waiting to happen! A full blown economic apocalypse! The only question is will Austin Powers arrive just in time to save the day? Let's hope not! It will be so embarrassing! It will be like the time I let him escape because I didn't factor in the time needed to transfer him from the freezer to the incinerator!