Microsoft's Cloud Soars Higher Than Zoidberg's Dreams: Profits Up, Earth Still Exists!

Sweet Profits of Globex!

Alright meatbags Leela here your favorite cyclops reporter from the year 3000! I'm diving into the financial mumbo jumbo because well someone's gotta keep an eye on these corporations. Turns out Microsoft that company that probably runs half the robots on Earth had a pretty good quarter. They raked in $70.07 billion in revenue beating expectations like Fry beats a video game (which is to say eventually after much screaming). And get this their earnings per share were $3.46! Enough to buy a whole lot of Slurm Loco!

Azure Ascends to New Heights (Unlike My Patience)

The real star of the show? Their Azure cloud business. It grew 33% with AI contributing a whopping 16 points. That's right folks artificial intelligence is now making more money than most delivery boys! All that investment in AI infrastructure seems to be paying off even if it means we're one step closer to sentient robots taking over the world. On the other hand maybe they'll finally figure out how to fix the coffee machine at Planet Express.

Trump Tariffs Loom Like a Hypnotoad's Gaze!

But hold your horses there's a catch! With President... uh who was it again? Oh yeah Trump and his tariffs looming like a Hypnotoad's gaze investors are worried about the future. Will these trade shenanigans mess with Microsoft's bottom line? Only time will tell but I'm betting Professor Farnsworth is already working on a tariff dodging invention in his lab.

OpenAI: A Relationship More Complicated Than Fry and Leela

Speaking of complicated Microsoft's relationship with OpenAI is getting a little weird. They now have a right of first refusal on OpenAI's computing capacity but don't always have to provide it. It's like when Fry tries to cook dinner for me – he offers but I usually end up ordering pizza. And speaking of expenses Microsoft took a $623 million hit due to losses on equity method investments including OpenAI. Ouch! That's like losing a week's worth of Bender's booze money.

More Personal Computing? Don't Get Any Ideas Zapp Brannigan!

Their More Personal Computing unit which includes Windows and video game consoles also saw a boost. People are still buying PCs apparently despite the fact that we have robots to do everything for us. And hey sales of Windows licenses are up! Maybe people are finally upgrading from Windows 98. On the other hand it could be Zapp Brannigan buying them all to play more *Space Invaders* in his chambers.

Guidance and Giggles to Come Tune in Folks!

So what's the takeaway? Microsoft is doing pretty well thanks to the cloud and AI. But the future is uncertain especially with those pesky tariffs. Executives will be on a call with analysts later today so tune in if you want to hear more about the numbers. As for me I'm going to go practice my one eyed wink. It's a real panty dropper...or so I've heard!