Doh! Starbucks in a Coffee Catastrophe! Turnaround Plan Needs More Dough-nuts!

Uh Oh! Starbucks' Sales are Sinking Faster than a Donut in My Coffee!

Mmm coffee. But wait what's this news? Turns out Starbucks is having a bit of a 'doh!' moment. Their earnings are lower than my IQ after a Duff beer binge and same store sales are dropping faster than Lisa's grades when Bart's around. They're saying their 'Back to Starbucks' plan is working but the numbers are like 'Eat my shorts!' Maybe they need to add more donuts to the menu. Mmm donuts…

No More Coffee Making Robots? Stupid Machines They'll Never Replace Me!

So apparently Starbucks was planning on replacing all the baristas with robots. Robots! Can you believe that? Who's gonna spill coffee on me and accidentally give me extra sugar? Not a robot! They're scaling back on the robot plan which means more jobs for humans! Hooray! Now if they could just find a way to automate donut making I'd be in heaven.

D'oh! Trump's Tariffs Messing with My Coffee Beans!

Turns out President Trump's tariffs are messing with the price of coffee beans. Tariffs! It sounds like something you put on your roof! That means Starbucks might have to charge more for my precious caffeine. That's unpossible! I need my coffee! Maybe I should just start growing my own beans in the backyard. Marge wouldn't mind right? She never minds anything… except when I'm being a bad husband and a bad father.

Dividends? They Have Them In Starbucks? I'm Going to Buy a Thousand Shares!

The big shots at Starbucks are worried about the future of the business. But I'm not worried about that! What I AM worried about is getting my hands on a steaming hot cup of joe every morning! If I buy a thousand shares in Starbucks will they give me free coffee? Maybe a lifetime supply? It's worth a shot! Maybe I should ask Mr. Burns for a loan. He's loaded after all!

More Baristas Means Faster Service and That's Just What I Need!

Starbucks is spending more money on baristas so they can make my coffee faster. Excellent! Because sometimes I'm so desperate for a caffeine fix that I feel like strangling someone. And when I get that coffee into my system I feel like... I feel like... having more coffee! It's a vicious cycle I tell you! They also plan on improving the seating and the "premium touches". Now all they need is to get rid of those sugar free donuts!

Four Minutes or Less? That's Faster Than Bart Eating a Krusty Burger!

The CEO wants every order done in four minutes or less. Four minutes! That's faster than Bart can eat a Krusty Burger! If they can pull that off maybe I'll start going to Starbucks every day! Scratch that I'll still go to Moe's. They have Duff beer! It's what I always say "First you get the sugar then you get the power then you get the women."