Screw You Guys, I'm Shorting CrowdStrike!

Respect My Authoritah CrowdStrike!

Okay listen up you guys! Eric Cartman here reporting LIVE from my freakin' awesome gaming chair. I just heard about this CrowdStrike company some stupid cybersecurity thingy. Apparently their stock is tanking harder than Kenny after a fireworks accident. And you know what that means? Opportunity bitches! AHAHAHAHA!

Blame Canada! Wait Wrong Company

So these morons at CrowdStrike they couldn't even meet their revenue expectations. Analysts those nerds who think they know everything were expecting $1.16 billion. But noooo CrowdStrike only managed $1.14 billion to $1.15 billion. What a bunch of losers! They're blaming some outage from last year. Like get over it already! Stop blaming Canada oh wait that's something else never mind!

Sweet! Time to Short These Guys!

And get this! They're whining about how some 'customer commitment package' cost them $11 million. Seriously? Maybe they should try offering free Butters instead. That'd get 'em some customers. The point is these guys are FAILURES! And you know what I do with failures? I exploit them for my own personal gain! I'm going to short the crap out of this stock. AHAHAHAHA!

Adjusted Earnings? More Like Adjusted Expectations

They did manage to beat some adjusted earnings thingy but who cares about that? It's all just a bunch of made up numbers anyway. Real earnings are the ones that end up in MY pocket. And soon thanks to CrowdStrike's incompetence my pockets will be overflowing with sweet sweet cash. Screw you guys I'm going home... to count my money!

Share Repurchase? More Like Desperate Measures!

Oh and get this! They're trying to look all confident by announcing a $1 billion share repurchase plan. Like that's gonna fix anything? It's just a desperate attempt to pump up the stock price. But it's not gonna work! I see right through their pathetic charade. You can't fool Eric Cartman you guys!

Screw You Guys I'm Rich!

So there you have it. CrowdStrike is a disaster waiting to happen and I'm gonna be there to profit from their downfall. This is way better than fighting hippies or dealing with Kyle's stupid lectures about friendship. Remember kids: always exploit other people's misfortune for your own personal gain. That's the Cartman way! Now if you'll excuse me I need to go make some money. Screw you guys I'm going home!