Screw You Guys, I'm Making Bank! Standard Chartered is Totally Raking it In!

Respect My Authoritah! Profit Before Tax is Huge!

Okay listen up you guys! Standard Chartered which is like a super important bank that I'm totally gonna invest in with my future millions just announced their first quarter profits. And guess what? They're HUGE! Like seriously huge! $2.103 billion people! That's more than I've extorted from Kyle's mom in a lifetime. And it's even more than what the stupid analysts thought they'd make. I knew they were cool. Respect my authoritah!

Wealth Solutions? More Like 'Wealth Solutions for ME'!

Apparently their 'Wealth Solutions' thingy is raking in the dough with a 28% increase in operating income. That's like they're helping rich people get even richer. Which is exactly what I plan to do! I'm gonna get me some of that wealth and then I'll be laughing all the way to the bank especially since the Global Markets business posted a 14% increase and the Global Banking division experienced a 17% increase in operating income. Sweet!

Stupid Borrowers and Their Rising Rates!

Of course there's always some bad news. They had a $219 million credit impairment charge mostly from people not paying back their loans. Probably those stupid poor people. But whatever some dude named Michael Makdad says interest rates will probably come down so those deadbeats can breathe a little easier. Still they better pay up if they know what's good for them.

Trump Tariffs? Blame Canada!

And then there's Trump and his stupid tariffs. I bet it's all Canada's fault somehow. But the CEO Bill Winters is all confident that they'll still make tons of money. He says their presence in Asia Africa and the Middle East is key. Whatever as long as I get my cut I don't care where the money comes from! Butters can go to the Middle East; I do not care.

5 7% Growth? I'm Getting a Lawyer!

They're projecting operating income to grow at a compound annual rate of 5–7%. That's like free money! I'm gonna get a lawyer and make sure I get a piece of this action. They're gonna have to respect my authoritah you guys! The lawyer will know what to do!

Share Buyback? Screw You Guys I'm Going Home...With Money!

Oh and get this: they're doing a $1.5 billion share buyback! Which means they're basically giving money back to the shareholders. That's me eventually! And they're saving money with some 'Fit for Growth' initiative. Sounds boring. But hey more money for me! Later losers! I'm going home... with money!