Screw You Guys, I'm Getting Rich! AppLovin' Sells Games, Eyes TikTok Domination!

Sweet! Money Money Money!

Oh my god you guys! AppLovin' is making bank! They totally crushed those lame o analysts' expectations like when I beat Kyle at Guitar Hero (twice!). Earnings were up revenue was up it's all up! And guess what? They sold their stupid mobile game business for a pile of cash! Four hundred million you guys! That's like enough to buy a lifetime supply of Cheesy Poofs! Maybe I should invest then I can be rich like Cartmanland rich!

Tripledot? More Like Triple Dumb!

So these dorks at Tripledot Studios are buying AppLovin's games. Who even plays those games? Probably Kyle. Anyway AppLovin' gets a 20% stake in their company. Twenty percent? That's not even enough to control the whole damn thing! What are they gonna do with just a little piece? They should have demanded at least 70%! But whatever as long as AppLovin' is making money I'm happy. Maybe they'll start making a 'Terrance and Phillip' mobile game that would be sweet!

AI is Not a Joke Heidi!

Turns out AI is not joke remember when Heidi was all into that crap? Well AppLovin' is all about AI now. Their advertising division is booming because of it they had 1.16 Billion in sales! That's like infinite Xboxes! No wonder their stock went up like crazy last year. But some short sellers were trying to ruin the fun saying their AI is garbage. But AppLovin' just keeps rolling in the dough so screw them! They can suck my balls!

TikTok Takeover? Respect My Authoritah!

Okay this is where things get serious. AppLovin' wants to merge with TikTok! Can you believe it? They think they can fix all the security problems and make even more money. Their CEO this dude Adam Foroughi says their plan is way better than anyone else's. Even Trump is involved! If AppLovin' takes over TikTok they'll have all the power! They'll control what everyone watches what everyone likes everything! And I'll be right there with them pulling the strings. It's gonna be epic!

National Security? Whatever I Want Power!

Foroughi keeps yammering about national security fixing algorithms and data this and that. Who cares? All I care about is power! If AppLovin' can control TikTok in the US and everywhere else except China that means they can influence the whole world! Think about it: Everyone watches TikTok. If you control TikTok you control everyone! It's like being a global hall monitor and I am SO ready to bust some heads!

Long Shots? I Play to Win Damn It!

Foroughi admits this TikTok thing is a long shot but he's confident because they 'go after long shots' that is what he said! Well good because the world better recognize that I don't play for participation trophies. I play to win damn it! AppLovin' better not screw this up. If they do I'm gonna be super pissed. Seriously don't make me get my mom involved!