Respect My Authority: Cisco Makes Bank, Screw You Guys!

Screw You Guys I'm Making Money!

Alright listen up you stupid hippies! Eric Cartman here reporting LIVE from my mom's basement where the REAL financial geniuses hang out. Cisco yeah THAT Cisco just dropped their earnings report and guess what? They CRUSHED it! All you dumbasses thought they'd fail but nope! They're rolling in the dough while you're probably still trying to figure out how to use a calculator.

Ka Ching! Profit is my safe word.

The numbers are HUGE you guys. Earnings per share? Way above what those so called 'analysts' predicted. Revenue? Through the roof! It's like every time I blink they're making more money. I bet they're buying gold plated scooters and solid chocolate Butters with it. And you know what that means? Cisco is awesome and if they do well then maybe just maybe I'll benefit somehow. Probably not but a fat kid can dream right?

AI: The Future is Now and It's MINE!

And get this: Cisco is swimming in AI money! Over $600 million in orders from web companies. AI is the future you guys and Cisco's already cornering the market. Soon we'll have robot Butters serving us Cheesy Poofs 24/7! Respect my authority!

Splunk? More Like SP LUNK of Cash!

Okay so the security revenue wasn't *quite* as high as predicted BUT they bought Splunk! SPLUNK you guys! That's like a mountain of data and security software. All that data means Cisco can find out if anyone is making fun of me. Then I'll unleash my Coon and Friends to exact revenge!

Trump Tariffs? No Problem Douchebags!

Even with those stupid Trump tariffs Cisco is still raking it in. They factored it all in like they're playing 4D chess while you're still trying to figure out checkers. I bet Trump's even jealous! He probably wants to make a deal to get some of that sweet sweet Cisco money. Maybe I'll broker the deal and get a cut. I'm good at deals ya know.

Kiss My Fat Ass Everyone!

So there you have it. Cisco is winning I'm awesome and you're all losers. The end. Now if you'll excuse me I have some Cheesy Poofs to consume and some plans for world domination to hatch. Butters get me another bucket of chicken!