Costco's Got More Bling Than My Gold Chains, Screw You Guys, I'm Buying Everything!

Respect My Authoritah! Costco's Numbers Are HUGE!

Alright listen up you guys! Costco's earnings came out and they're totally off the charts. Way better than anyone expected! We're talking $4.28 per share which is like way more than the stupid analysts predicted. And the revenue? $63.21 billion! That's enough to buy like a million Kenny McCormick's! I mean who cares about that poor little insignificant bastard. Still that is a lot of money. I am getting investors...

Screw You Tariffs! I'm Still Getting My Cheap Stuff!

So these tariffs are trying to screw things up right? Like raising prices and making it harder to get my hands on the good stuff. But Costco's being all sneaky and finding ways around them! They're rushing orders rerouting stuff and even making their own Kirkland Signature brand stuff in different countries. That's how you stick it to the man you guys! It's like when I faked Tourette's... only you know for real money.

Members Only Losers! And You Better Renew!

Costco knows that the only way to get the good stuff is to be a member. And they're making it worth it! They're keeping gas prices low and extending the hours at the gas stations. That's smart because everyone loves cheap gas. It's like crack for your car except without the crippling addiction and homelessness...mostly.

I'm Not Fat I'm Big Boned! Bulk Discounts For The Win!

The best part about Costco? Bulk discounts! I can buy like a year's supply of cheesy poofs in one trip! And because they buy so much stuff they can boss around the suppliers and keep prices low. It's all about power baby! Just like me when I'm King of the Playground. Which is always duh!

Pineapples and Bananas For Everyone! (Except Kyle)

So Costco's even holding the line on prices for important stuff like pineapples and bananas! They're willing to take a hit on their own profits to make sure we can still afford our daily dose of fruit. Unless you're Kyle of course. Then you get nothing you stupid Jew!

Ha Ha! Costco's Stock Is Up Suckers!

And get this you guys: Costco's stock is up 10% this year! That's way better than the stupid S&P 500. So basically Costco's winning at everything. Which means I'm winning too! Because I'm like totally invested in Costco now. Thanks for the tip Butters! You're not completely useless after all... well not *completely*.