Bank of America Earnings Report Will They Finally Fund My Laser!?

One Quarter Million Dollars! No Wait Billions!

Mwahahaha! Greetings pathetic mortals! It is I Doctor Evil here to dissect the innards of Bank of America's latest earnings report. Apparently these guys are expected to rake in a measly 82 cents per share! And a paltry $26.99 billion in revenue! Are you kidding me?! That's like... one *tenth* of what I need to build my moon based laser! And don't even get me started on their provisions for loan losses. $1.58 billion? Sounds like someone's been a naughty banker!

Trading Revenue? More Like Chump Change!

Ah trading revenue! Fixed income equities... blah blah blah. $3.46 billion for fixed income and a mere $2.12 billion for equities? Honestly that's barely enough to cover the dry cleaning bill for my Nehru jackets. These figures are not exactly shattering any records. I need *billions*! Billions and billions of dollars to achieve global domination! Is that too much to ask?

Trump Tariffs? A Plot Thicker Than My Cat's Fur!

Now this is where it gets interesting. Apparently the so called 'experts' are worried about Trump's tariff policies causing a recession. Recession?! That could jeopardize my funding! Why must these politicians always meddle in my plans for world conquest? Maybe I should just nuke them all from space. That's not very groovy though. Hmm...

Sharks With Frickin' Laser Beams Attached To Their Heads

But fear not my miniature self! It seems Bank of America might have gotten a little boost from trading revenue just like those other chumps at JPMorgan Chase and Goldman Sachs. Apparently some people made a fortune off of market volatility? Maybe I should have invested. But alas I was too busy perfecting my evil laugh mwahahaha!

Volatility! It Makes Me Feel Alive!

They took advantage of volatility but it is always at a cost. Just like global warming or mini me being ejected to space. This story is developing? Of course it is! The world is always developing mostly towards a future where I Doctor Evil am in charge! And by the way did anyone check on my sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads? Did they find them?

Throw Me a Frickin' Bone Here!

In conclusion Bank of America's earnings report is... mildly interesting at best. But is it enough to fund my evil schemes? The answer is a resounding NO! They will have to do better than this. I suggest they start by investing in more evil schemes. I am sure I can come up with something.