PepsiCo's Great Disappointment! Is the American Dream Finished?

Is Pepsi Okay?!

Jagshemash America! Borat Sagdiyev here bringing you the latest news from your… what you call… 'Wall Street'! I hear PepsiCo this company that makes the sugary brown water is having some troubles. Very nice! But also very… uh oh! The numbers they are not so good! Like trying to milk a cow with no udders!

Tariffs? More Like Terrible iffs!

This Ramon Laguarta the big boss of PepsiCo he says tariffs are making things difficult. Tariffs! It’s like when my neighbor Nursultan Tulyakbay tries to charge me extra for his yak's milk because he says the yak is feeling 'emotional.' Is very problematic! These tariffs they are like a gypsies stealing your wheels! Very bad!

North America? More Like North Americ AAAAAH!

Borat hears that in North America where all the beautiful ladies wear tiny swimsuits (or so I am told) people are not drinking as much Pepsi or eating as many Fritos. Wawaweewa! What is happening?! Is the American dream over? Maybe they are all drinking kumis now like back in Kazakhstan? Is very healthy you know! But also tastes like donkey.

Money Money Money! (Is Not So Funny)

The money that PepsiCo makes the… how you say… 'earnings per share,' it is less than expected. Like when I go to buy a chicken and they give me a pigeon! Is a big disappointment! They are blaming tariffs and economic Volatility. My village we call it 'Tuesday'.

Future? I See Only Pain! (and Maybe Some Pepsi)

PepsiCo says the future is uncertain. Like trying to predict which way a chicken will run when you chase it with a stick! They are expecting… what you call… 'low single digit growth.' Is that good? Is that bad? I need to ask Azamat! He is good with numbers like counting how many hairs are on his back. Very impressive!

Stay Tuned! (Or Don't I Not Care)

So America keep your eyes on PepsiCo! Will they survive these terrible tariffs and picky eaters? Or will they end up like my neighbor's yak after it ate too many fermented plums? Only time will tell! Chenqui! Stay classy! And remember is nice!