Bite My Shiny Plastic Assets: Mattel Sinks as Trade Wars Jack Up Barbie Prices!

Tariffs are Bad M'kay?

Alright meatbags listen up! Your favorite robot Bender Bending Rodriguez is here to drop some truth bombs. Seems like Mattel the company that makes Barbie – who let's face it could use a good bending – is in a bit of a pickle. They're blaming tariffs for their financial woes. Trump's trade war with China is making it expensive to get those plastic dolls and Hot Wheels over here. Talk about a load of Omicronian poop!

Withdrawal Symptoms

Mattel's throwing in the towel on their annual financial targets. They say the economy's too wobbly and it's hard to guess how many of you suckers will buy their stuff. That's corporate speak for 'we're screwed.' And to make matters worse their stock is doing the limbo – how low can it go? It's enough to make a robot reach for a bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit. Which incidentally I just did!

Price Hike Alert!

Hold onto your wallets humans! Mattel's planning to jack up prices in the good ol' U.S. of A. to offset those pesky tariffs. So if you were planning on buying a Barbie Dreamhouse prepare to pay extra. Remember a fool and his money are soon parted and Mattel is more than happy to take it. Also they said they were cutting promotions and discounts. Like anyone likes a discount anyway!

Blame Game

The CEO of Mattel some dude named Ynon Kreiz is whining about how the tariffs are disrupting the whole toy industry. He even supports some 'Toy Association' who are begging for zero tariffs on toys. Zero tariffs? What is this amateur hour? Where's the fun in that? A little chaos keeps things interesting! It's a bit like when Fry tries to make coffee. The results are rarely drinkable but always entertaining.

Hedge Your Bets

Mattel's pulling out all the stops! They're trying to save money by cutting costs and being generally stingy. They even bumped up their cost savings target to $80 million. That's a lot of robot oil! Also they buyed back $160 million worth of shares. Smart or dumb? Who knows who cares? All I care is if this impacts my beer budget and it likely won't.

Hasbro's Laughing All the Way to the Bank

Meanwhile Mattel's competitor Hasbro is sitting pretty. They seem to be doing just fine thank you very much. Probably because they're selling more games than dolls. Everyone loves a good game especially if it involves robots and bending! As for Mattel I'd advise them to just build a casino or theme park. Because I'll go to it!