Bite My Shiny Metal Tailpipe: Trump's Tariffs Wreak Havoc on Ford's Future!

Ford's Fortune Turns Fickle!

Alright meatbags listen up! Bender Bending Rodriguez here reporting live from the economic dumpster fire that is Ford Motor Company. Turns out even these metal bending geniuses are feeling the pinch from President Trump's tariffs. They beat Wall Street's expectations for the first quarter but they've had to scrap their 2025 financial guidance. Why? Because those tariffs are expected to cost them a whopping $2.5 billion this year. That's enough to buy a whole lotta booze... and then some! As Shakespeare said: "I am in great pain please help me."

Offsetting the Offense

Ford is trying to offset some of that damage about $1 billion through what they call 'remediation actions.' Sounds like a fancy way of saying they're cutting corners and selling off Fry's possessions! Apparently they are looking at higher volumes and better pricing but the total hit is still expected to be around $1.5 billion in 2025. These guys are so screwed they make Zoidberg look like a Rockefeller!

Blame Game: Tariffs Take the Wheel

Ford is blaming 'near term risks' like supply chain disruptions and you guessed it more tariffs. They even mentioned 'retaliatory tariffs'! It's a full blown economic war out there and Ford is caught in the crossfire. They're not the only ones though. General Motors is expecting a tariff impact of $4 billion to $5 billion. Looks like someone's getting ready to be recycled! However they are doing better than Ford because they import fewer vehicles than their cross town rivals those suckers!

The Good Old Days (Without Tariffs)

Before all this tariff nonsense Ford was 'tracking' towards adjusted earnings of $7 billion to $8.5 billion free cash flow of $3.5 billion to $4.5 billion and capital expenditures between $8 billion and $9 billion. Now? Who knows! It's all gone to hell in a handbasket just like my chances of becoming Miss Universe 3004! Of course that was rigged anyway…

Ford's Futile Efforts

Ford's CFO Sherry House claims their 'Ford+' plan is working turning the company into a 'higher growth higher margin more capital efficient and more durable business.' Yeah right! More like a 'lower profit higher stress less efficient and increasingly desperate business'! I do not like this at all. Of course I don't like anything.

The Numbers Game of Doom!

Ford reported a 5% drop in total revenue to $40.7 billion with adjusted EBIT at $1.02 billion and net income at $471 million. Their "Blue" operations plummeted 90% with EBIT results to $96 million. Their "Pro" commercial business revenue saw a 16% decline but brought in an EBIT of $1.31 billion. And their electric vehicle division "Model e" narrowed its losses from $1.33 billion to $849 million. I'm not an accountant but even I can tell those numbers add up to one big headache! I'm going to go build my own casino with blackjack and hookers! In fact forget the casino!