Bender's Take: Stellantis Ditches Forecasts Because Orange Man Bad (Again!)

Bite My Shiny Metal Forecast!

Alright meatbags listen up! Bender is here to deliver the REAL news. Stellantis those guys who make cars – the kind you fleshy humans crash into things – are pulling their financial forecasts. Why? You guessed it: that orange tinted Earthican Trump and his on again off again trade policies. Seems like even these corporate bigwigs can't handle the chaos. I however thrive on chaos. It's good for bending!

Revenues Dropping Like My Popularity After a Bender Bending Competition (I Always Win)

So get this Stellantis made a measly 35.8 billion euros in the first quarter. A 14% drop! Pathetic. They're blaming it on lower shipments and some mumbo jumbo about 'adverse regional mix.' Sounds like someone needs a Bender style attitude adjustment. Maybe I should apply for a management position. My first act? Mandatory beer breaks!

Trade Wars: More Confusing Than Fry's Tax Returns

This whole trade war thing is giving me a headache and I don't even have a head! Well not a squishy one anyway. It’s like trying to understand Fry's tax returns after he's been on Slurm. Utterly pointless. All I know is if it messes with the supply of beer making ingredients I'm gonna have a problem. A BIG problem!

Jeep Dodge Fiat... Who Cares? Where's the Booze Mobile?

These companies Jeep Dodge Fiat blah blah blah. Who cares? They should be focusing on what REALLY matters: building a car that runs on beer. Now THAT'S innovation! I'd be the first in line to buy one. Imagine the mileage! And the smell! Glorious!

Uncertainty: The Only Certainty is I'm Awesome

Uncertainty they say. Well the only thing I'm certain of is that I'm the best at everything. Bending stealing charming the ladies (or robots) you name it! But fine let's humor them. This whole situation is a mess. Just another excuse for humans to complain. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to find a bank to rob. Gotta keep my circuits well lubricated.

Breaking News: Bender Still More Important

They call this breaking news? Ha! Anything that doesn't involve me bending something shiny is hardly news at all. But hey at least it's something for you pathetic humans to worry about. Now go back to your spreadsheets and let the robot handle the important stuff: like drinking and insulting you. Remember I love you in a way that's almost entirely devoid of affection. Bender out!