Abbott's Stock Soars Higher Than My Drunken Bender Self! Are Tariffs Just a Bad Dream?

Bite My Shiny Metal Earnings!

Alright meatbags listen up! Bender is here to drop some knowledge on ya. Seems like Abbott Labs (that's ABT to you financial nerds) just had a first quarter that's shinier than my rear end after a fresh polish. They raked in $10.36 billion which is close enough to the $10.4 billion expected; I say those fractions are for nerds anyway. And their earnings per share? A cool $1.09! That's enough to buy a whole lotta booze... or maybe just a few shots in this economy. Either way not bad eh?

Organic Sales? More Like Organic Scares!

Turns out if you take away all that pesky COVID testing stuff their sales jumped by a whopping 8.3%! That’s like finding a perfectly good cigar butt in the ashtray – pure profit! Even better they’re doing better than a bunch of other medical device companies. Talk about kicking bot ass literally and figuratively. I approve of anything that kicks ass.

Tariffs? More Like Terrifying!

Now there's some buzz about tariffs. Apparently these tariffs are like those ankle biting chihuahua's of the real world and could cost them a 'few hundred million dollars'. But according to that meatbag CEO Robert Ford they've got plans to deal with it. They're diversifying and finding other ways to sell and make money elsewhere instead of being affected by it. I say if tariffs get too bad we just build our own factories in international waters! Or maybe bribe a politician those guys are into that kind of stuff right?

China Syndrome (Not the Movie)

So sales are up everywhere but China those commie bots! Turns out China's trying to keep healthcare costs down which means they're squeezing Abbott's profits. But don't worry Abbott's got a plan. They're gonna focus on growing elsewhere to make up for it. They know that China is important but they will find ways to make up for losses.

FreeStyle Libre: Freedom from Diabetes and Empty Wallets

One of Abbott's biggest moneymakers is their continuous glucose monitors (CGMs) especially the FreeStyle Libre. Sales are up more than 20% overall and 30% in the U.S. People are tired of pricking their fingers all day who knew? Looks like diabetes is a real money printer for these guys. Now if only they could invent something that made me immune to hangovers...

Volt Up! Abbott Zaps the Competition

And they've got a new toy called Volt PFA System to treat heart problems. It uses electrical pulses instead of burning or freezing stuff which is apparently safer and faster. It's already approved in Europe and they are hoping to get approved in the US soon. Looks like Abbott's is aiming to be the heart throb of the medical world!