Screw You Guys, I'm Getting Rich: Cartman's Top Stock Picks!

Nvidia: Respect My Authoritah and My AI!

Okay listen up you Butters! Cartman here and I'm gonna tell you what's what. This Nvidia company? Yeah they make those computer thingies that make my video games look awesome. And apparently they're all about this 'AI' crap now which means even more money! Some fancy pants analyst Harlan Sur (probably a Jew) says it's a buy. He thinks the stock will go up to $170. I don’t know what any of that means but it sounds like free money! He even said that the demand for Nvidia's Blackwell platform is very strong. Whatever that is you should buy it! Respect my authoritah!

Zscaler: Protecting Your Internets from Hippies and Terrorists!

Next up is Zscaler. Sounds like something that would kill those hippies protesting outside Whole Foods right? Well not exactly Butters. Apparently they're a cybersecurity company. They help keep your stuff safe online which is important because you don't want anyone hacking into my social media accounts and messing with my millions of followers. This Brian Essex (probably a Hippie) dude at JPMorgan thinks Zscaler is awesome and raised the price target to $292. He said that they are approaching $1 billion in annual recurring revenue which I don't know what that means either but I want some of that money! So yeah buy Zscaler or else!

Salesforce: Making Customers Happy… So They Buy More Crap!

Alright this Salesforce thing is a bit boring but money is money! They're all about customer relationship management which basically means making sure people keep buying stuff. And they are buying some company called Informatica for $8 billion. Eight BILLION! That's like all the Cheesy Poofs I could ever dream of! Some Derrick Wood (probably lives in the woods) dude at TD Cowen says it's a good buy with a price target of $375. They are also using this “AI” to make people buy more stuff it’s like they are hypnotizing them! So yeah buy Salesforce so I can get even richer!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home… With All Your Money!

So there you have it you stupid f***ing Butters! My expert (totally made up) stock picks that are guaranteed (not really) to make you rich… or at least make ME richer. Just remember I'm not responsible if you lose all your lunch money. It's your fault for being stupid enough to listen to me! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go eat a whole bucket of KFC and count my future millions. Screw you guys I'm going home… with all your money!

Remember Authoritah is Key!

Don't forget! Always respect my authoritah when making these investments. If you don't you're gonna have a bad time. And nobody wants to have a bad time especially not when there's money to be made. So listen to Cartman and you might just end up rolling in the dough... or at least have enough to buy a few extra Cheesy Poofs.

Blackwell Platform What?

This Blackwell Platform thing keeps popping up and frankly I don't know what it is and I don’t care. If those financial analyst nerds think it's great then it probably is. But if it turns out to be a big scam don't come crying to me. I'm just giving you the inside scoop because I'm such a generous and benevolent leader.