Screw You Guys, I'm Not Buying Heineken Anymore! Tariff Troubles Hit My Favorite Beer!

Respect My Authoritah Respect My Beer!

Goddammit! So like I was just reading the news right? And guess what? That stupid Heineken company is crying about tariffs! Tariffs! It's like what evah I do what I want! But now it's gonna affect ME! They're saying President Douchebag... I mean Trump... put these tariffs on imported canned beer and aluminum. And now Heineken's all like 'Oh no we might have to adjust our spending!' Well screw you guys I'm going home! And I'm taking my beer money with me... unless they keep the prices down. Then maybe just maybe I'll consider it. But don't push it Heineken. Don't push it.

Blame Canada! Or Maybe Just the Government...

It's always someone else's fault isn't it? First it was Canada now it's the freaking government! They're messing with my beer! I can't even! This Dolf van den Brink dude the CEO of Heineken is whining about inflation and weak consumer sentiment. Well maybe if they didn't charge so much for beer people wouldn't be so 'sentiment ally' weak! And now tariffs? Come on! This is worse than when Cartmanland got shut down! Waaaaah!

AB InBev More Like AB In jerk!

So apparently AB InBev those guys who make Budweiser and Stella Artois were all like 'Tariffs? What tariffs?' back in February. Michel Doukeris was all smug saying they wouldn't have big problems. Ha! Now look who's crying! Well probably not them yet but just you wait! Everyone feels Cartman's pain eventually.

Screw You Guys I'm Going to Drink Coors!

If Heineken is going to be all butthurt about tariffs I'm going to switch to Coors! Or maybe I'll just brew my own beer... with blackjack and hookers! Yeah that's the ticket! No more relying on these corporate jerks to get my fix. I'll be my own beer baron! Mwahahaha!

I Hate You Guys But I Need My Beer!

Okay fine. Maybe I'm overreacting a little. I mean I do love my beer. But if these tariffs make the price go up I'm gonna be pissed! Seriously pissed! Don't make me unleash my inner Kyle on you Heineken! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!

Respect My Authoritah and Lower the Prices!

So the bottom line is this: Heineken you better figure this tariff thing out! I don't want to pay more for my beer. And if you raise the prices I'm going to boycott you so hard you'll wish you never heard of Eric Cartman! Respect my authoritah! And lower the prices! Or else… Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!!!!!