Screw You Diabetes Rybelsus Pill Saves You From Dying Horribly!

Respect My Authoritah! On Heart Disease

Alright listen up you guys! Cartman here reporting live from my Mom's basement where the real news happens. Turns out that stupid Danish company Novo Nordisk – yeah the same guys who make those skinny people shots – have a pill called Rybelsus. And guess what? It apparently helps stop you from kicking the bucket because your heart's a turd. I’m talking about heart attacks strokes the whole shebang. Respect my authoritah!

Screw You Guys I'm Helping Diabetics!

So this Rybelsus pill which is basically a watered down version of their Ozempic shot (which BTW I need a prescription for... for research purposes obviously) lowers your chance of dying from heart crap by like 14%. Fourteen percent! That's almost as much as the percentage of times Kyle whines in a single episode. This is big news for all you fat diabetics out there who are too scared of needles to just get the damn shot. Screw you guys I'm going home!

No More Excuses Fat Asses!

According to some nerd doctor at the American College of Cardiology this pill is for those pansies who "don't want an injection.” Seriously? Get over it! But hey if you’re too much of a wuss this pill is your lucky day. Now you have no excuse for dying slowly of diabetes and heart problems. You owe me one.

What What What Oral Drugs for Everyone?

Now apparently Eli Lilly and a bunch of other losers are trying to copy this idea and make their own stupid pills. Good luck with that! Nobody beats Cartman at anything and NOBODY beats Novo Nordisk at making diabetes drugs. They got the whole market cornered! I am shocked I tell you what what what!

Side Effects? Lame!

Of course there's a catch. You might get the runs puke your guts out or get constipated worse than Mr. Hankey after Thanksgiving. But who cares? At least you’re not dead! Suck it up buttercups! And don't come crying to me when your tummy hurts. Man I hate side effects why meee!

Cartman's Official Rybelsus Review: Go Buy It!

So to sum it up Rybelsus is the greatest thing since Cheesy Poofs. If you're a fat diabetic needle phobic loser go beg your doctor for it. And remember you heard it here first folks! Cartman has spoken. Now if you'll excuse me I have some very important… research to do. My tummy is making the rumblies that only hands can satisfy!