Target Caves to Woke Mob? Or is it a Diabolical Scheme!

One Million Dollars!

Mwahahaha! It is I Doctor Evil reporting live from my volcano lair where the news is always twisted to my nefarious whims! So Target that… purveyor of affordable… stuff is in a pickle. Apparently they’ve been playing patty cake with DEI (Diversity Equity and In clu sion… sounds like something Mini Me would try to spell). And now Rev. Al Sharpton is involved! This is getting interesting Very Interesting… I want to see them FIGHT! Maybe then i can get my hands on one million dollars!

DEI? More Like DIE versity!

Target in a shocking display of… business acumen?… has rolled back some of its DEI programs. Turns out not everyone likes being told what to buy or how to think. Enter Rev. Sharpton stage left threatening a boycott! A boycott people! That’s like… slightly less powerful than my laser beam but still… annoying for them. He wants assurances! He wants commitments! He probably wants a pony too.

Rrrrrrrright and Commitments?

Sharpton is demanding Target prove their commitment to the… *shudders*… Black community and invest in Black owned businesses. I suppose that's what happens when you go against a civil rights leader. So he said "You can't have an election come and all of a sudden change your old positions," said Sharpton "If an election determines your commitment to fairness then fine you have a right to withdraw from us but then we have a right to withdraw from you." Well well well this is getting interesting let's see what happens next.

Shrinking Store Visits!

The most devious part! Since Target started fiddling with its programs foot traffic has PLUMMETED! Down for ten straight weeks! That’s like… my stock portfolio after Austin Powers thaws out! So will target comply? I need to know and keep you all updated!

Walmart is Looking Pretty Swanky!

While Target is distracted Walmart is out there remodeling launching new brands and attracting high income shoppers! That’s right Walmart is getting… fancy! Suddenly my old nemesis Jim isn't my only competitor on my list. Walmart seems to be looking promising in the business sense Maybe I'll put all my eggs in one basket Muhahahahahahaha!!!!

What Target Should Do: My Expert Advice

Here’s my evil plan for Target: First build a giant laser to threaten all competitors especially Walmart! Second promise Rev. Sharpton *everything* he wants… and then muahahaha double cross him! (I’m kidding… mostly.) Third maybe focus on quality and value not just… woke points. And finally stop listening to those consultants who charge you a million dollars for bad advice! Unless… they're working for me. In which case carry on!