One MILLION Dollars! U.S. Soccer's World Domination Plot Revealed!

The Evil Plan Kicks Off!

Mwahahaha! Finally my plan is coming to fruition! After years of meticulously plotting in my volcano lair I Dr. Evil have discovered the secret weapon to global domination: soccer! Yes you heard right! Those silly Americans are starting to embrace the beautiful game and I'm here to capitalize. It's like Austin Powers finally falling into one of my conveniently placed pits... inevitable! It's all part of my plan baby!

Sponsorships? Oh Behave!

These corporate simpletons are throwing money at MLS like it's going out of style. Michelob Ultra? Adidas? More like Dr. Evil's Unlimited Funding Source! Sponsorship revenue is up double digits! Double digits people! I could buy a small moon base with that kind of cash. Or maybe a really really big laser. Hmmm... decisions decisions.

Messi Mania – It's the Shaguar!

Ah Messi! That little Argentine rascal. Brilliant player I admit. He's like the Shaguar to MLS's Austin Powers – suddenly making everything cool. Attendance records are shattered merchandise is flying off the shelves. My evil plan is going swimmingly how about yours Mini Me?

2026 World Cup: The Doomsday Device... I Mean Opportunity!

The 2026 World Cup hosted in the U.S. Canada and Mexico? It's the perfect catalyst! All those unsuspecting fans cheering buying overpriced hot dogs... little do they know they're funding my evil empire! Muahahaha! This is bigger than a basking shark baby! It's a great sport Don! It's very popular! The world loves it why can't we?

Apple TV? Austin Powers can eat his heart out! (I hate that guy)

Of course there are hiccups. The viewership numbers are a bit shady. Apple TV isn't exactly shouting from the rooftops about how many people are watching. But hey more secrecy just adds to the mystery! It’s like the first time I met Mini Me but he was not so mini back then just Me.

Soccer's Golden Era – Dr. Evil's Reign Begins!

So there you have it. Soccer is booming sponsorships are soaring and the World Cup is on the horizon. It's a golden era alright. A golden era for Dr. Evil! Soon I'll have enough money to build a giant laser on the moon and hold the world ransom! One... MILLION... dollars! Mwahahaha!