JetBlue's Woes: Are They Headed for the Frickin' Moon?

A Shocker! Airlines Need Money to Fly?

Oh behave! Apparently JetBlue that little blue upstart is having a bit of a… what's the word… *crisis*? Yes a crisis! Their CEO Joanna Geraghty – sounds like a Bond villain doesn't she? – sent a memo saying things are a bit… ‘unlikely’ to break even this year. Unlikely! As in ‘less likely than me getting a date with Beyoncé.’ They're blaming 'softer than expected' travel demand. I mean who isn't clamoring to be crammed into a metal tube hurtling through the sky? Baffling I say! Baffling!

Cutting Flights? That's Numberwang!

So what's the plan? Cut off peak flights and unprofitable routes. Genius! It's like saying 'We're going to stop doing the things that lose us money!' What a radical concept! They're also pausing plans to retrofit some of their older planes. Retrofitting you say? More like relegating them to the airplane graveyard. And this Geraghty person she’s saying they're assessing hiring plans. Translation: 'We're not firing anyone… yet!' Mwahahaha!

Fare Enough: Prices are Plummeting!

And get this: airfare is down 7.3% compared to last year. Seven. Point. Three. Percent! That's almost… I don't know… *eight percent*! The horror! People are actually getting a deal on air travel. Where's the fun in that? Where’s the extortion? I need to corner the market on air travel. Imagine the ransom demands! 'ONE BILLION DOLLARS… or the oxygen masks will deploy!' (evil laugh).

Merger Mania? More Like Merger Mess!

Remember that whole debacle with Spirit Airlines? Blocked by a federal judge! And the alliance with American Airlines? Kaput! It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. A very very *expensive* train wreck. No wonder they haven't turned a profit since 2019. Frankly I haven’t turned a profit since… well let’s just say it’s been a while. I blame Austin Powers.

Partnering Up: Playing Nice?

Now they're partnering with United Airlines. Playing nice with the big boys are we? Sharing frequent flyer programs? Sounds… cooperative. Where’s the cutthroat competition? The ruthless domination? This is not how you take over the world! Although a partnership with United... perhaps I could steal their frequent flyer miles and use them to fund my next evil lair. Hmmm...

First Class Failure?

Apparently they’ve been splashing out on premium class seats and airport lounges. Foolish! People will fly in any old crate if it gets them there cheap enough. And now they're talking about domestic first class? Who do they think they are British Airways? Seriously though building a luxury brand is difficult. I should know. I had a plan to build a luxury evil lair with solid gold toilets and solid chocolate minibars but then I ran out of money. And sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. Priorities people!