Eli Lilly's Lawsuit Against Telehealth Companies Is It A Diabolical Scheme?!

One MILLION Dollars!

Right so Eli Lilly those purveyors of… insulin I think? Or maybe it's Zepbound the thing that makes people skinny… like Mini Me before I uh you know… Anyway they're suing these telehealth companies. Telehealth! It's like doctoring but over the INTERNET! These companies Mochi Health Fella Health Willow Health and Henry Meds are apparently selling 'copycat' drugs. Copycats! Like when Number Two tried to copy my evil laugh. It was… subpar. This is unacceptable!

Rrrriiiight...

Lilly claims these telehealth companies are deceiving consumers with "untested unapproved drugs." Untested! Unapproved! Sounds like my shark mounted laser cannon prototype. It looked good on paper but trust me the sharks were NOT happy. Also they're saying these companies are trying to skirt FDA rules. Skirting! Like when I tried to skirt paying taxes. Turns out the IRS doesn't take kindly to threats of global domination. Who knew?

The Shortage... Or Is It?

Apparently there was a shortage of Lilly's Mounjaro. A shortage! Like when I ran out of… pure evil! Okay that doesn't happen but you get the point. This shortage allowed these telehealth companies to step in and offer compounded versions. Compounded! Like when I tried to compound my evil with… never mind. Anyway the FDA supposedly declared the shortage over but these companies kept doing it. Keeping! Doing! Are they trying to make me look bad?!

Personalized Medicine? Or Personalized Deception?!

Mochi Health one of the companies being sued thought they could get away with offering "personalized treatments." Personalized! Like when I got a personalized license plate that said 'EVIL 1'. Subtle I know. But Lilly isn't buying it. They claim Mochi's CEO isn't even a licensed physician! A CEO without a license! It's like me running SPECTRE without knowing how to spell it! Wait…

Unlawful Corporate Practice?!

Lilly is accusing these companies of making "sweeping corporate decisions that dictate patient care." Dictate! Patient! Care! Sounds like… HMOs! But seriously they're saying these companies are interfering with doctor patient relationships. That's… almost as bad as not having sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!

The Waiting Game... Or Is It?!

It could take months or even longer for these cases to make their way through the courts. Months! Longer! That's like waiting for Austin Powers to finally lose his mojo! Oh wait he never will. But I bet I could build a giant laser in that time! I just need… one… million… dollars! And a slightly less ridiculous plan.