Minecraft Movie SAVES Hollywood From Certain DOOM!

Bite My Shiny Metal Box Office!

Greetings meatbags! Bender here reporting live from the cesspool of dreams known as Hollywood. Turns out even *I'm* surprised! Warner Bros.' 'A Minecraft Movie' raked in a whopping $163 million on its debut weekend. I thought the only thing made of blocks that people liked was my solid gold chassis but what do I know? Apparently kids these days are all about this 'Minecraft' thing. Who knew? It's like a digital Erector set but with more explosions...and less beer.

Better Than 'The Super Mario Bros. Movie'? Shut Up and Take My Money!

Get this! This blocky bonanza didn't just make a few bucks; it shattered records! It’s now the highest grossing video game adaptation opener *ever* even eclipsing 'The Super Mario Bros. Movie.' Take that plumbers! Although I gotta admit watching a sentient mushroom stomp on turtles was kinda my jam. Still I'm all about breaking records especially when it involves large sums of money. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go invest in some diamond pickaxes. For research purposes of course.

Gen Z and Alpha: The Saviors of Cinema (Finally Something Useful)

Shawn Robbins some bigshot from Fandango says Gen Z and Alpha are the reason this happened. Apparently these kids were tired of watching cat videos and needed some 'fresh familiar and accessible blockbuster content.' If by 'fresh' you mean blocky and by 'familiar' you mean something they've been glued to since they could drool then yeah makes sense. Now if they could just use their powers for good and buy me a new shinier coat of paint that'd be great.

IMAX imum Overdrive!

Cinemark's all time domestic box office record for a three day family film opening was blown to bits thanks to Minecraft! Plus IMAX hauled in $22 million globally the largest amount since 'Deadpool & Wolverine' last summer. Translation: Big screens + blocky action = lots of cash. I'm starting to think maybe I should get into the movie business. 'Bender: The Movie' – coming soon to a theater near you! (Starring yours truly as every single character). Rated R for robot shenanigans and excessive drinking of fossil fuel.

From Doom and Gloom to Boom and Zoom!

Paul Dergarabedian some other smarty pants from Comscore claims 'Minecraft' took the year to date box office deficit from 13% to just 5%. That's right folks. 'Minecraft' single handedly pulled Hollywood from the brink of oblivion. You're welcome earth! Now where's my hero medal? And a tanker full of Olde Fortran Malt Liquor.

A Second Quarter of Mayhem!

With 'Thunderbolts' 'Mission Impossible' 'Lilo and Stitch' 'How to Train Your Dragon' 'Jurassic World Rebirth' 'Superman' and 'The Fantastic Four: First Steps' on the horizon things are looking up. According to Eric Wold some other analyst this quarter should bring lots of upward momentum. As long as they remember to add robots to every movie I'm in! After all everything's better with Bender! Especially box office numbers.