Bite My Shiny Metal Snack Wrap: McDonald's Caves to Demand!

Back From the Scrap Heap!

Alright meatbags listen up! Bender is here to deliver the news and it's about damn time someone brought back the good stuff. McDonald's is resurrecting the snack wraps next month. Apparently they took 'too long' to make. What are they building a rocket ship? I could probably assemble a snack wrap faster and I'm a robot who primarily drinks booze and steals stuff! They discontinued it in 2016 claiming it slowed them down. Boo hoo! Now they're crawling back begging for forgiveness. Serves 'em right.

So Long Salads! Goodbye Parfaits!

Turns out some of you organic sacks of protoplasm actually missed these things. You were all petitioning tweeting and crying in drive thru's. Honestly pathetic. I bet you even missed the salads and parfaits that disappeared during the pandemic. Pathetic! But hey who am I to judge? (Actually I judge everyone.)

Money Money Money! (It's Funny)

The real reason they're bringing these things back? Sales are down! Down I say! Looks like even humans are cutting back on spending (probably saving up for more booze and cigars the smart ones anyway). Their sales dipped a measly 3.6% in the first quarter. Serves them right for taking away the snack wraps in the first place! Now they’re groveling.

McCrispy? More Like McDelicious (Maybe)

These new snack wraps will feature something called 'McCrispy Strips.' Sounds intriguing. Comes in two flavors: spicy and ranch. Spicy? Now you're talking my language! Anything to incinerate my taste sensors and make me feel something other than existential dread. Mmm tastes like chicken... and regret.

Chicken Wars: This Time It's Personal

McDonald's CEO some suit named Chris Kempczinski said they're just trying to 'meet customers' needs.' Yeah right. More like 'meet their bottom line needs.' And they're jumping on the chicken bandwagon because apparently places like Chick fil A and Popeyes are making bank. And speaking of Popeyes they're launching their own chicken wraps. Looks like we got ourselves a chicken war folks! More food fights equals more entertainment for Bender!

Remember Me!

So there you have it the glorious return of the snack wrap. July 10th. Mark your calendars meatbags. Just don't get any on my shiny metal ass. And remember bite my shiny metal... snack wrap!