Holy Chalupas Batman! Billionaire Saves Hertz From the Junkyard?

Good News Everyone! Hertz Gets a Sugar Daddy

Alright alright alright! Your favorite cyclops is here to tell you that Hertz yeah the rental car place that almost became roadkill might just have a shot at not ending up as scrap metal! Apparently this Bill Ackman dude some big shot investor has decided to throw a bunch of Earth dollars at them. I guess someone finally realized that even in the 31st century people still need to rent a car to visit the Head Museum or the frozen pizza museum or maybe just to escape Mom's cooking.

Humbled? More Like Hooked Up!

So Gil West the head honcho at Hertz is all excited saying he's 'humbled' by Ackman's confidence. Yeah right! I bet he's doing the funky robot dance in his office right now! But hey I don't blame him. Hertz has been through more ups and downs than Fry trying to get a date with Amy Wong. Remember that time they went belly up during that whole COVID mess? Yikes! And then they went all in on those electric cars which turned out to be a bigger disaster than Zoidberg at a fancy seafood restaurant.

Tesla Trouble: More Like Tesla TRASH la!

Oh those Teslas! What a 'yo yo' move that was! Turns out electric cars lose their value faster than Bender loses his temper. Hertz ended up selling a bunch of them at a loss proving that even the best intentions can end up smelling like garbage wrapped in a human skin. As if humans needed more garbage.

Back to Basics Baby!

But West says they're going 'back to basics.' Which I assume means less focus on fancy electric doodads and more focus on I don't know making sure the cars have tires and the rental agreements aren't written in Wingdings. He's got some fancy metrics he's aiming for like DPU RPU and DOE. Sounds like robot gibberish to me but hey if it keeps the company from becoming roadkill I'm all for it!

So What Does This Mean for Us?

Well for starters hopefully it means Hertz won't be raising rental prices to compensate for their… uh… 'strategic errors.' And maybe just maybe they'll finally fix that squeaky wheel on the Planet Express ship or that dent on the rear end. You know if they're feeling generous and such since this Bill Ackman's investment firm Pershing Square received an exemption from the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission to delay the filing of the position until Wednesday which allowed it to accumulate substantially more shares. It is just a thought and hopefully it will turn out that the company will be up and up and not down and down and down and up.

Stay Tuned Folks!

So there you have it! Hertz might just live to rent another day thanks to a billionaire with a big bank account and maybe a few screws loose. Will it work? Who knows! But one thing's for sure: it'll be more interesting than watching paint dry… unless that paint is Bender's shiny metal ass. Now that is something!