Stellantis Gets a New Brain: Filosa Takes the Wheel!

Oh Goodie Another Grown Up in Charge

Right so apparently Stellantis that behemoth of metal and mediocrity has a new overlord. Antonio Filosa a name that sounds suspiciously like a cheap brand of pasta is now the big cheese. He's replacing Carlos Tavares who shall we say made a rather dramatic exit likely involving tears and a dramatic slamming of a door – you know the usual CEO theatrics. I bet that dummy Brian would be more suitable for the role. What.

From Jeeps to… More Jeeps?

Filosa bless his cotton socks has been climbing the corporate ladder faster than Brian after a martini binge. He used to lord over Jeep which let's be honest is the only brand Stellantis owns that anyone actually cares about. Now he's COO of North America and Chief Quality Officer because apparently one job wasn't soul crushing enough. I once tried to build a Jeep out of LEGOs. It ended in tears. The LEGOs not mine. Mostly.

Trump Tariffs: The End is Nigh!

Ah yes the elephant in the room – or rather the orange tinged elephant stomping all over the global economy. Donald Trump's trade policies are apparently causing more chaos than one of Peter's harebrained schemes. Stellantis has withdrawn its financial guidance which in layman's terms means "we have no freaking clue what's going to happen." I mean seriously could things get any worse? Don't answer that I'm sure someone will find a way.

Elkann Stays Put (For Now)

John Elkann the guy who's been holding the fort since Tavares' melodramatic departure will remain as executive chairman. He's basically the adult in the room which given the state of the automotive industry is a low bar to clear. He says Filosa has a deep understanding of the company. I bet he also understands the deep existential dread of working in a corporation. We all do darling we all do.

Stock Plummets: Time to Panic?

And now for the depressing part: Stellantis' shares are down nearly 27% this year. Ouch. That's worse than the time Brian tried to invest in Beanie Babies. It seems as if the future of the company is uncertain but I have no worry! I will make it! I will dominate the world!

A "Pivotal Time" or Utter Chaos?

Filosa himself calls this a "pivotal time" for the industry. I call it a dumpster fire waiting to happen. But hey maybe he'll surprise us all. Maybe he'll introduce a flying car powered by rainbows and unicorn farts. Or maybe he'll just keep churning out Jeeps. Only time will tell my dears. Only time will tell. Oh and do tell Brian to shut up will you?