Doh! Ackman's Buying Hertz Like I Buy Donuts! What's Going On?!

Mmm Hertz... and Investments!

Woohoo! This just in! Apparently some fancy pants investor guy named Bill Ackman – sounds like a fancy name for a donut doesn’t it? – and his Pershing Square gang have been buying up Hertz like I buy donuts from Lard Lad! Seems they now own a big ol' chunk of the car rental place. I haven't rented a car since that time Marge and I drove to the Grand Canyon and I accidentally drove into it. D'oh!

56%?! That's More Than My Beer Fridge is Full!

The stock went up 56%?! Holy guacamole! That's more than I usually eat in one sitting! Apparently everyone got all excited when they found out about this Ackman fella buying in. Makes you wonder does he know something we don't? Maybe he's got a secret map to a hidden pile of donuts in every Hertz rental car! If so I'm in!

Secret SEC Shenanigans!

Now here's where it gets a little weird. Apparently these Pershing Square guys got a 'get out of jail free' card from the SEC to keep their buying spree a secret. That sounds fishier than a week old sardine sandwich! They used this secret pass to buy even MORE shares! Sneaky sneaky! Like when Bart replaces my Duff with non alcoholic swill!

Hertz's Wild Ride: Bankruptcy and Teslas Oh My!

So turns out Hertz has been through some rough patches like that time I tried to build a BBQ pit in the backyard. They even went bankrupt during that whole 'rona thing! Then they decided to get all fancy and buy a bunch of those electric car thingamajigs you know the Teslas. But those Teslas they're more trouble than a rabid squirrel in the attic. They cost Hertz a ton of dough!

Electric Dreams and Doughnut Nightmares!

These electric cars... they thought they were gonna be the next big thing like when Marge tried to make me wear a suit to Moe's. But turns out they lost a ton of money on 'em! A whopping $245 million just from selling those electric lemons! That's enough to buy a lifetime supply of donuts! Mmm lifetime supply of donuts...

Will Hertz Bounce Back? And Will I Get a Free Donut?

So the big question is: can Hertz pull a Homer Simpson and bounce back from disaster? Will Ackman's investment be the secret sauce? And more importantly will they start giving out free donuts with every rental? Only time will tell! Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go brainstorm ways to convince Mr. Burns to invest in my donut powered car idea. D'oh!