Tariff-ied Shoppers: U.S. Consumers Say 'Very Nice!' to Car Deals, 'Wa Wa Wee Wa!' to Everything Else

Great Success! Americans Love New Cars (Before Price Go Up!)

Jagshemash! Borat here bringing you the latest news from the U.S. and A.! It seems your American consumers are acting like wild stallions in a pen when it comes to buying new cars! Why? Because of the scary tariffs! They think 'If I no buy now price will be higher than Pamela Anderson's… well you know!' According to the Commmerce Department sales excluding motor vehicles and parts increased 0.5% while sales in the auto sector jumped 5.3%. Great success!

IPhone Mania! Very Nice (But Then What?!)

But not everything is running like my neighbor Nursultan Tulyakbay's tractor. Some Americans are also buying those shiny iPhone things early but then they stop! This Steve Zurek from NielsenIQ says they have adopted "a conservation mentality" for their cash. It like they are afraid of catching the disease! They see the news the stock market doing the chicken dance and they think 'Maybe I save money for emergency... like when I need new wife!'

Wa Wa Wee Wa! Shoppers Hesitate Like Virgin on Wedding Night

The Federal Reserve's Beige Book says that consumer spending excluding autos is lower! Five districts see slight growth but four see slight to modest declines. It is like trying to milk a yak in winter – very difficult! They see the tariffs and think 'Wa wa wee wa! I not know what to do!' It's like trying to understand American humor – sometimes funny sometimes… not so much.

Chipotle and PepsiCo Feel the Pinch! Is This Micro aggression?

Even big companies like Chipotle and PepsiCo are feeling the pinch! They see less money coming in like when I try to sell my sister to the town mayor (he always say no!). These companies are saying people have "a conservation mentality". Is this micro aggression? Is this because of the tariffs?! Perhaps I should interview O.J. Simpson to find the real culprit!

Home Sales Fall! Is This Because of the Jews?

And the housing market! Oy vey! Home sales are falling faster than my reputation after the naked wrestling match with Azamat. The National Association of Realtors says it's the slowest pace since 2009! Is this because of the Jews? Just kidding! (Please don't sue me.) It's probably the tariffs making people say 'I not buy house now! I wait to see if price go down like lady of the night after busy Saturday!'

Wait and See! Shoppers Adopt 'I Like' Attitude

Procter & Gamble say people are nervous! They are looking for value like I look for Pamela Anderson’s autograph! Even airlines are feeling the heat. Airfares are down and they are cutting flights. It's like my movie career after the second film everyone runs away! So what will happen? Will Americans start buying again? Will the tariffs go away? Only time will tell! But one thing is for sure: 'I like!' this story because it make me feel important. Chenqui!