Aston Martin Saved by Money! Is James Bond Buying One?!

Bite My Shiny Metal Asset Injection!

Well well well what do we have here? Aston Martin that fancy car company that even James Bond would probably trade in for a hovercraft if he had any sense is getting a bailout! Seems they're raising over £125 million. That's a lot of money...enough to buy a whole lot of booze...I mean oil...for my gears.

Strollin' in the Dough!

Lawrence Stroll some Canadian billionaire is throwing around £52.5 million like it's pocket change. He's increasing his stake in Aston Martin to about 33%. Probably thinks he can drive it straight to the robot strip club. News flash buddy: you need a rocket car for that. You know like the one I would build if anyone was paying attention.

Formula One? More Like Formula 'Done'!

They're also selling off a piece of their Formula One racing team to raise at least £74 million. See? Even they know racing is for suckers. What's the point of going fast when you can just sit around and plot schemes to get rich? I'm living proof. Remember that time I tried to sell everyone's souls? Good times.

Shares? More Like Scare es!

Shares jumped then they fell. Classic stock market. It's all a big casino except instead of winning free drinks you win…nothing. Or lose everything. Either way I'm staying out of it. I prefer my schemes to be slightly less…legal.

CEO Speaks! (Who Cares?)

Some suit named Adrian Hallmark is flapping his gums about 'future product innovation' and 'sustainably profitable company.' Blah blah blah. All I hear is 'more money for the humans less for Bender.' And layoffs? They're cutting 170 jobs! That's 170 fewer people to look down on. Sad.

Stroll Double Downs!

Stroll says he's pleased to underline his 'unwavering support.' Yeah yeah yeah. Just keep the money coming pops. Maybe I can finally get that solid gold chassis I've been eyeing. Although let's be honest I'd probably just melt it down for booze money. Do the math.