Nissan's Got a Case of the Mondays: Espinosa's Bold Plan to Un-Suck the Automaker

The Empire Strikes Back (and Misses)

Oh good heavens it appears Nissan is having a bit of a 'moment.' As if they've just realized their car designs are about as exciting as watching paint dry. Apparently their new CEO Ivan Espinosa—sounds like a Bond villain doesn't he?—has declared a 'fix ourselves' strategy. Well good for him. Though last time someone said that it was Peter trying to 'fix' the plumbing and we all know how that ended. Hint: it involved a lot of rubber duckies and a very angry Cleveland.

Espinosa's Grandiose Plan: More Likely to Succeed than Peter's Diet

Espinosa seems awfully confident that his 'robust' plan will save the day. Darling that's what they all say before the stock prices plummet faster than Lois after one of my laser blasts. He's dealing with declining sales electric vehicles and those pesky Chinese rivals. It's like he's playing a game of global automotive chess except his pieces are made of stale Cheetos and the opponent is a ruthless grandmaster.

Trump's Tariffs: Because Why Not Make Everything Worse?

And as if that weren't enough Donald Trump's decided to slap everyone with 50% tariffs on steel and aluminum. Because you know what's a global crisis without a little bit of presidential meddling? It's like when Peter tries to 'help' with Thanksgiving dinner—suddenly the turkey's on fire and everyone's questioning their life choices.

Operation 'Cut and Run': Nissan's Version of a Bad Haircut

So what's Espinosa's brilliant plan? Why it's to slash 11,000 jobs and shut down seven plants! Oh jolly good just what the economy needed. It's like when I try to 'solve' a problem—usually involving Brian and his incessant intellectualizing—by blowing something up. Effective? Debatable. Entertaining? Absolutely.

Almost a Merger: A Near Miss Like Lois Dodging Peter's Advances

They even flirted with merging with Honda. Can you imagine? Nissan and Honda together at last! But alas the deal fell apart faster than Peter's New Year's resolutions. Imagine the possibilities though. We could have had self driving cars that randomly break into show tunes! Oh the humanity!

Re:Nissan: More Like Re:Gret am I Right?

Espinosa keeps rambling about 're sizing' the company and a 'Re:Nissan' plan. Honestly it sounds like a marketing campaign dreamed up during a particularly heavy sake binge. The shares are down 24% this year. Down I say! At this rate they'll be selling Nissans for the price of a gallon of gas. Wait is that a good thing or a bad thing? I can never keep up with these economic complexities. Pass the brandy Rupert.