Ant Group's New AI Health App: Soon I Will Live Forever!

One MILLION Doctors!

Minions! Hear ye hear ye! That pesky Ant Group an Alibaba affiliate – they’re at it again. They’ve created this new health app called AQ which stands for...wait for it...'Answer Your Question.' Seriously? Couldn't they have come up with something a little more…evil? Like 'Global Healthcare Domination App'? Anyway this app uses AI to connect patients with doctors. Supposedly it can access more than ONE MILLION doctors in China! ONE MILLION! That's almost as many as the number of sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads that I wanted. But that was too expensive...

Immortal Data

Now what’s truly interesting is the AI behind it. Apparently this AQ app uses those fancy 'large language models' to give medical advice. It's like having a super smart doctor in your pocket…or maybe soon directly implanted into your brain! Mwahahaha! And get this – they say it can analyze medical reports and give personalized advice. Personalized! That means it knows your weaknesses your ailments…perfect for…uh…research purposes! Yes research purposes Austin!

International Man of…Medicine?

The truly terrifying thing – I mean brilliant! – is that Ant Group plans to roll this out *overseas*. Yes you heard me right. They’re already testing it with foreigners in China and planning different language versions. Soon the whole world will be relying on this AI for their health! Then BWAHAHAHA! I will...wait no I mean they will have gathered the WORLD'S data! All the medical history all the genetic information…imagine the possibilities! Think of the leverage! Think of the…better outcomes!

A Serious Threat…To My Evil Plans!

Of course I'm not the only one eyeing this whole AI healthcare thing. Microsoft and Amazon are also getting in on the act. But China has an advantage: a massive population and a national health insurance system that covers nearly everyone. That’s a *lot* of data. Data data data! I need a bigger data center! Number Two remind me to order more servers...and maybe a few extra sharks with lasers. Just in case.

800 Million Users?!

This Ant Group already has a massive foothold with Alipay which is used for everything from paying bills to ordering groceries. And now they've got nearly 800 MILLION users already using their healthcare features. That’s like…a small country’s worth of patients. A country I could easily hold ransom…I mean help! Yes I mean help. With their blood tests!

One Trillion Dollars!

So what does all this mean? Well it means that the future of healthcare is here…and it’s powered by AI. And it means Ant Group is poised to make…*wait for it*…ONE TRILLION DOLLARS! I should buy Ant Group. Imagine the damage…I mean the good I could do. Number Two see if we can acquire Alibaba. And while you’re at it check if they have any Austin Powers clones working there. We can't have that now can we?