Say Hello to My Little Red Planet: Utah Desert Preps Earthlings for Mars

The Utah Desert: A Martian Playground?

Alright listen up you punks. They got this place in Utah smack dab in the middle of nowhere lookin' like somethin' outta Star Wars. Canyons desert the whole shebang. Apparently these eggheads think it's close enough to Mars that they can play astronaut there. The Mars Society some kind of… I don't know… charity case for space nerds is runnin' the show at this Mars Desert Research Station (MDRS). 'Best analog astronaut environment,' they say. Sounds like a goddamn summer camp for people who never got over Star Trek.

Crew 315: The Martian Wannabes

So they got this crew Crew 315 bunch of Marys if you ask me. Five of 'em livin' in this fake Martian habitat for two weeks followin' rules like they're already walkin' on the red dirt. David Laude the big cheese says they eat breakfast together like some goddamn family then yap about the day's plans. "EVA" this "EVA" that... Extravehicular activity see? Spacewalks. Back on Earth it's a walk in the park. On Mars it could get you killed. You gotta be careful see? You gotta respect the planet. Just like I respect money understand?

Elon Musk: The Martian Dreamer

And then there's Elon Musk that crazy son of a bitch with more money than God. He's sayin' he'll get people to Mars by 2029. 2029! I'll be pushing up daisies by then. Still gotta give the guy credit he dreams big. Bigger than my mountain of coke even. But dreams don't get you nothin' you gotta earn it. You gotta work for it. Like me building my empire. It wasn't easy let me tell you.

Rhythm Is Gonna Get You... Killed

This other guy Michael Andrews the engineer says the hardest part is gettin' into a rhythm. Rhythm? On Mars? I know about rhythm alright? The rhythm of money the rhythm of power. But on Mars rhythm ain't gonna save you from a meteor shower or a busted spacesuit. Keep your head on a swivel that's what keeps you alive.

The Video: Proof of the Pudding?

They got a video too. Fancy! Probably shows these geeks walkin' around in the desert pretendin' they're explorin' a new world. I bet they don't show the dust storms the broken equipment the loneliness. Real life ain't a movie you know? It's a fight. A fight for survival. On Mars it's probably the same just with less oxygen.

Say Goodnight to the Bad Guy...on Mars?

So these Marys in Utah wanna go to Mars? Fine. Let 'em go. Maybe they'll find somethin' interesting. Maybe they'll find somethin' worth takin'. But remember what I always say: "You need people like me so you can point your fingers and say 'That's the bad guy'." And maybe just maybe on Mars there won't be any bad guys... just a bunch of Marys trying not to die.