Say Hello to My Little NATO Budget: Trump's 5% Demand Has Europe Sweatin' Like a Pig!

First You Get the Money Then You Get the Power...

Alright listen up you punks! This whole NATO thing is like a big business see? And Trump that crazy bastard he's saying everyone needs to ante up cough up 5% of their GDP for defense. 5%! That's like asking me to share my mountain of coke with a bunch of freeloaders! This Greek fella Mitsotakis he's saying it's tough. Tough? Life's tough! It's even tougher when you're broke believe me.

The Art of the Deal (Or How to Cook the Books)

Mitsotakis is whining that 3.5% is the most they can do. Says they can maybe reach 5% if they start counting stuff like fixing potholes as 'defense'. Hah! That's some serious accounting gymnastics! Like when I was hiding money from the IRS you gotta be creative capiche? But don't bullshit me the guy's just trying to avoid emptying his pockets.

Rutte's Gambit: A Little Here A Little There...

This Rutte character he's suggesting 3.5% for guns and tanks and another 1.5% for 'wider security related matters'. What the hell does that even mean? Is that like hiring more cops to keep the tourists safe from pickpockets? That ain't defense that's babysitting! Makes me wanna shout "You wanna play rough? Okay! Say hello to my little friend!"... but with a balance sheet.

Free Lunch Ain't Free and Neither Is Security

Trump's got a point see? These countries been freeloading off Uncle Sam for too long. As Mitsotakis himself admits 'There is no free lunch and we cannot free ride.' Damn right! In this world you gotta pay to play. You wanna be safe? You wanna keep the bad guys out? Then open your wallets and stop being cheapskates!

Greece: Leading the Charge (Kinda)

Greece is already spending over 3% mostly because they're always beefing with Turkey over who owns what in the ocean. Good for them I say! At least they're putting their money where their mouth is. But let's be honest it's probably just an excuse to buy more boats and pretend they're pirates.

European Rules: Bend 'Em Break 'Em Make 'Em Work for YOU

The EU's got these rules about how much debt countries can have but they're starting to loosen up. Good! Because if you wanna be a big shot you gotta spend money! Now if you'll excuse me I gotta go count my own money...and maybe buy a new mountain of white stuff. 'The world is yours!'