Say Hello To My Little Relationship Problems: Are You Blinded By The Bulls**t?

The American Dream... Or a Nightmare?

Listen up you punks. This Dr. Mark Travers he's talking about relationships like they're a f***ing business deal. He says most of you don't know what a good relationship *really* looks like. You're all blinded by the 'familiarity and routine,' he says. Like sheep led to the slaughter! You think you're happy but you're just numb suppressing your problems like a goddamn coke fiend hiding his stash. I tell you that's no way to live. You gotta wake up and smell the coffee or in my case the Cuban espresso!

Teamwork? More Like a Goddamn War!

This survey thing... first question: 'Do you feel like you're on the same team during conflict?' *Team*? In my world there's only one team: ME. But hey even *I* know you can't be blasting away at your partner all the time. This doc says fighting is 'inevitable and necessary'. Bullshit. What's necessary is winning. But if you and your old lady are always fighting each other instead of the problem you got a problem huh? He says you need a 'shared strategy.' I say you need a f***ing bazooka to blow up the problem! But seriously what are you fighting *for*? If it ain't the relationship then what the hell is it? Money? Power? That's my game not yours!

Be Yourself... Unless You're a F*** Up!

Next question: 'Can you be your most authentic self?' Authentic? What the f*** does that even mean? I'm authentic! I'm Tony Montana! But this Travers guy says you should be able to 'laugh loudly ugly cry make a mess and be weird.' Are you kidding me? I'd slap someone for 'ugly crying'! But he's saying if you gotta hide who you are you're losing yourself. And you know what I say? You need to be with someone who doesn't 'flinch' at the real you. I would make them flinch! But seriously if you can't be yourself then what's the point? Find someone who loves you even if you're a goddamn maniac!

Curiosity Killed The Cat... Or Saved the Relationship?

This curiosity thing... 'Are they genuinely curious about your inner world?' In the beginning you're all over each other asking questions like you're interrogating a f***ing suspect. Then boom it fades. This doctor says that's bad. You gotta keep asking questions keep listening keep learning. Otherwise you're just running on autopilot. Like my f***ing Cadillac! If your partner stops caring about what you think then you're dead huh? You need someone who's interested in the 'new versions' of you. Like I'm always a new richer more powerful version of Tony Montana!

Take Responsibility? You Gotta Be Kidding Me!

'Do they take accountability when they mess up?' Accountability? In my world I take what I want! But okay even *I* know you gotta admit when you screw up sometimes...unless you can blame it on someone else. This Travers guy says the *smallest gestures* can stop a fight. You know what's the smallest gesture? A little bit of violence!. But he's right if your partner never takes responsibility you can't trust them. And if you can't trust them you might as well put a bullet in their head or find a new partner. Honesty humility... that's all bullshit but necessary. Just try to be better huh? I am always trying to be better more money more power!

Time To Make A Choice

So there you have it. This doctor's trying to tell you your relationship sucks without actually saying it. If you answered 'no' to all his questions time to wake up and smell the coffee. And if you don't like what you smell then change it. Like I changed my whole f***ing life. You got a problem? Fix it. Or get rid of it. The world is yours!