Coinbase? More Like Coin-Base-ment! Tony Montana on Crypto Carnage

First Quarter Blues? Say Hello to My Little Revenue Problem!

Alright listen up you punks. These Coinbase guys? They think they can play in my world? The crypto world? They're gettin' a taste of the real deal. First quarter revenue? Shy of Wall Street's expectations? That's like sayin' I only did a *little* bit of blow last night. They earned $65.6 million 24 cents a share? That's nothin'! Last year they were livin' large $1.18 billion $4.40 a share. What happened? They forget to say hello to their little friends...the Benjamins?

Transactions? Subscriptions? It's All About the Money Honey!

Revenue's up they say to $2.03 billion. Big deal! Still shy of the mark. Transactions are at $1.26 billion subscriptions and services at $698.1 million. Numbers numbers...it's all about the money. But remember money ain't everything. Not when you got... *points to crotch* ...this. These guys need to learn you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money you get the power. Then when you get the power then you get the women.

Consumer Volume Down? Blame the Hairpiece!

Consumer trading volume down 17%? Blame Trump! They say the election gave 'em a boost last year. Now his tariff policy is causing volatility. People are scared. They ain't gonna risk their money on crypto when they're worried about the government takin' it all away. These guys are blaming a country that doesn't even exist

Deribit Deal? This is my world now!

They’re buying some Dubai thing called Deribit for $2.9 billion? Biggest deal in crypto history? Good for them! Shows they got balls. They're trying to expand outside the U.S. Smart move. This is the only way to move up in the world. You gotta play dirty. You gotta take risks. You gotta be a monster.

Stablecoin Revenue? More Like Unstable Dreams!

Stablecoin revenue growth they say will be offset by lower blockchain rewards. What a bunch of bullshit. They’re trying to spin it like it’s all sunshine and roses. But I see through their crap. They're in trouble but I will allow them to be in my world to be great and to make this whole world great.

The Stock's Down? Don't Get High on Your Own Supply!

Stock's down 2%. Year to date down almost 17%. Ouch! See? This is what happens when you don't know how to manage your business. They're getting high on their own supply. They need a guy like me. Someone who knows how to handle things someone who knows how to make the money come in. I'm good. I'm very good.