Wubba Lubba Dub-Debt! SoftBank's Vision Fund Takes a Schwifty Dip!

Show Me the Morty!

Alright Morty listen up! SoftBank that conglomerate of corporate calamities had a bit of a 'situation' with their Vision Fund. Apparently making money is harder than it looks who knew? They made a measly 434.9 billion yen a 40% drop from last year. Pathetic! It's like watching you try to assemble IKEA furniture Morty. Utter chaos!

ByteDance Bonanza (or is it?)

Their fourth quarter wasn't a total dumpster fire thanks to ByteDance. Yes Morty TikTok is keeping these guys afloat. Imagine that! A glorified lip syncing app saving a multi billion dollar fund. The universe is truly a hilarious and messed up place! A whole 26.1 billion yen barely enough to cover my portal fluid budget for the week. But don't get your hopes up it was not enough to save the whole operation which registered a pre tax loss of 115.02 billion yen (about $777.7 million). Ouch.

Didi Done Dirt Cheap

They had some wins like Didi and Coupang but their investment arm took a nosedive because of companies like AutoStore. Auto what Morty? Exactly! These guys are investing in stuff nobody cares about. It's like Summer's dating choices consistently disappointing.

AI yi yi Another Investment?

Now Masayoshi Son bless his heart wants to be the AI guru of the galaxy. He's betting big on AI acquiring Ampere Computing for $6.5 billion. But the real kicker is the $30 billion investment in OpenAI. THIRTY BILLION MORTY! That's enough to buy a planet! Or you know fix the economy. But hey who needs practical solutions when you can have sentient robots?

Stargate: The Trump Card of Debt?

And get this Morty! They're involved in 'Stargate,' a joint venture with the human equivalent of concentrated crazy Donald Trump. Hundreds of billions of dollars for AI infrastructure? Sounds like a scheme to me. And nobody knows how they're gonna pay for it. Probably sell off Arm or maybe Morty's kidney. Depends on the market really. Apparently banks are "reassessing" the whole operation because of the growing economic volatility but SoftBank's CFO said everything is fine and dandy. Sure thing dude I believe you as much as I believe in the Citadel Council.

Profit? What Profit?

Despite the Vision Fund faceplant SoftBank managed a profit! A whole 1.15 trillion yen! But Morty don't be fooled. It's all smoke and mirrors. The profit came from Alibaba T Mobile and Deutsche Telekom their OLD investments. So basically they're living off past glories. Classic! Now if you'll excuse me I need to go invent a device that can erase my memories of this financial dumpster fire. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!