Get Schwifty with United's New Credit Card: Is It Worth the Interdimensional Trip?

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub! A New Card Emerges

Alright Morty listen up! United's got a new credit card the 'New United Quest? Card' – because apparently they ran out of creative names. And they're dangling a shiny 100,000 United MileagePlus® bonus miles and 3,000 Premier Qualifying Points (PQP) if you spend four grand in three months. Four grand! That's like a whole weekend in Blips and Chitz Morty. But hey free miles. It's like a participation trophy for adults who can swipe plastic. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!

The Fine Print? Existence is Pain!

Okay Morty this is where it gets boring even for me and I've seen universes collapse. United uses dynamic pricing. What does that mean? It means your '100,000' miles are worth whatever they FEEL like making them worth that day. It's like Gazorpazorpfield deciding to be nice. Don't count on it. Still could be worth it for the frequent flyer but don't expect it to solve your existential dread Morty. Nothing does.

Perks? Maybe Worth a Burp or Two

They're throwing in some perks alright? Free checked bags (because who wants to lug around your interdimensional travel kit?) some United TravelBank cash (use it to escape Earth maybe?) ride booking credits (to get you to the nearest portal!) and even discounts on in flight drinks. In flight drinks Morty! That's how they get ya. Hook line and sinker. It's a trap!

Premier Status: Just Another Label Morty

Oh and if you spend enough (which they obviously want you to do) you can earn PQP points towards 'Premier Status.' What does that mean? You get to feel slightly better than the other suckers cramming into coach. Congratulations Morty you're now a slightly more important cog in the machine. High five!

Not a United Fanatic? Get Schwifty Elsewhere

Look Morty if you're not glued to United like Summer to her phone there are better options. Cards like the Chase Sapphire Preferred® let you transfer points to a bunch of different airlines. Flexibility Morty! It's what separates us from the Gromflomites. And then there's the Capital One VentureOne a card with no annual fee that earns miles on every purchase. Free is good Morty. Remember that.

CNBC Select? Probably Rigged

CNBC Select says they provide high quality service journalism and comprehensive consumer advice. Please! All media outlets are controlled by the Citadel of Ricks Morty! Probably just trying to sell you something so they can buy more Szechuan sauce. Don't trust anyone Morty. Especially not corporations... or me!