Diplomacy? More Like Desperate Danicing: Rick Sanchez's Take on the Impending Iran-Israel-US Clusterf*ck

Another Day Another Potential Apocalypse: My Morning Coffee Has More Stability

Alright alright settle down you Jerry's. Word on the street – and by street I mean the infinite expanse of the multiverse – is that those chuckleheads in the UK France and Germany are trying to 'diplomacy' their way out of a potential Iran Israel kaboom. Apparently the US led by that tangerine nightmare Trump is contemplating joining Israel in a little military excursion against Tehran. Because that’s always worked out great in the past right? It's like watching ants fight over a crumb of stale bread except this crumb is the entire Middle East and the ants have nukes. And remember kids when diplomacy fails just blame the other guy that's how it's always been. I swear sometimes I think the universe is just one giant poorly written sitcom.

Hamas Hezbollah and Hooey: The Usual Suspects

So apparently this whole mess started with Hamas because of course it did. Then Israel started throwing punches and now everyone and their mother including Hezbollah and the Houthis – who Tehran claims are acting independently *suuuure* – are jumping in. It's like a galactic bar fight except instead of getting a black eye you get a nuclear winter. And the US is just standing there flexing its muscles and asking 'Do you want some of this too?' Real mature guys. Real mature. I've seen toddlers with better impulse control. And these are supposed to be the 'leaders' of the free world? What a load of schmeckle!

Trump's Nuclear Obsession: It's Like He's Compensating for Something

Oh and let's not forget about Trump's undying love for undoing everything Obama ever did especially that Iran nuclear deal. Pulled the US right out tightened the sanctions and now he's trying to play peacemaker. It's like watching a pyromaniac try to put out a fire he started with a flamethrower. And now Europe is scrambling for a new deal praying for a diplomatic miracle. Newsflash: Miracles are for suckers Morty. Just ask Jesus. Or don't because he's probably busy dealing with the consequences of humanity's idiocy.

Diplomacy: The Art of Procrastination... With Bombs

According to some spokesperson Trump's got two weeks to decide whether to drop in on Iran. Two weeks! That's like saying 'I'll decide whether to nuke your planet in a fortnight.' Real reassuring folks. Meanwhile some European diplomats are flapping their gums about "a window now exists within the next two weeks to achieve a diplomatic solution." Oh really? A window? More like a rapidly closing airlock. I give it a snowball's chance in Hell of actually working. You know I once tried to negotiate a peace treaty between two warring species of sentient hamsters. It ended with one side developing a bio weapon that turned the other into sentient cheese. Point is diplomacy is a crapshoot.

The Ghost of Screw Ups Past: Libya Afghanistan Iraq and whatever else

The French are all in a tizzy about not repeating the "errors of the past" in Libya Afghanistan and Iraq. You know those little oopsies where we destabilized entire regions and created even bigger messes? Yeah good luck with that France. You’re about as likely to succeed as a one legged dog trying to bury a turd on a frozen pond. Face it humans are hardwired to repeat their mistakes. It's like a genetic imperative or something which is just depressing.

Markets in Meltdown: Grab Your Tinfoil Hats and Invest in Schwifty Coins!

And of course the markets are having a collective anxiety attack. Everyone's running to "safe haven assets" and defense companies because nothing says 'peaceful future' like investing in weapons of mass destruction. Me? I'm investing in Schwifty Coins. At least they're good for something. So buckle up buttercups. It looks like we’re in for another wild ride. And if the world ends? Well at least I have a portal gun and a flask full of something that can dissolve reality. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!