Giggity Giggity China's the 'Chief Ripper Offer'!
Alright so Trump or as I like to call him 'The Hair Apparent,' has decided that China is the 'chief ripper offer' of the world. Now I don't know much about economics but I do know a good ripoff when I see one. Like that time Mort Goldman tried to sell me a 'slightly used' toupee made of squirrel fur. Giggity! Anyway Trump says we're getting ripped off by everyone but China's the worst. Sounds serious Lois!
Tariffs? You Mean More Money For Beer Right?
So Trump's slapping these huge 145% tariffs on Chinese imports. Apparently this is gonna cause some problems like you know 'shocks to the U.S. supply chain.' Sounds like a power surge at the brewery! But Trump's not worried. He's probably thinking 'Hey more tariffs mean more money for my golf course!' I just hope they don't mess with my Pawtucket Patriot Ale supply. That's where I draw the line!
Empty Shelves? Time To Raid the Drunken Clam!
Oh no! Empty store shelves! Remember that time the power went out during the Super Bowl and everyone went nuts? This could be worse! Trump thinks it's no big deal though. He says maybe kids will only have two dolls instead of 30. Two dolls? What am I supposed to do with just two dolls? Where am I going to practice my ventriloquism?! Well if the shelves are empty I know where to go: The Drunken Clam is always fully stocked. Heh heh heh.
We Don't Need Their Stuff? Says Who Stewie?
Trump's also saying we don't need a lot of the stuff China makes. But wait a second who's gonna make my XXXL t shirts and my inflatable furniture then?! I tell you if I can't get a giant inflatable replica of the Iron Throne then this whole trade war is just a big waste of time! "Victory is mine!"... Wait wrong thing Stewie...
Negotiations? More Like a Game of 'He Said She Said'!
So the administration says they're negotiating with China but nobody knows who's doing the talking where they're doing it or what they're even talking about. It's like that time I tried to negotiate with the cable company about my late fees. It ended with me throwing a pizza at the customer service rep. Good times! It's like a big game of Telephone but with more yelling and less sense. Freakin' sweet!
Bessent's on It! Or Is He? Who Knows!
Apparently Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent is supposed to be leading the negotiations but then Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick says someone else is responsible. It's a real 'Who's on First?' situation here! All I know is if they mess this up I'm blaming Herbert. That no good neighbor always gets the blame!
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donna11
Can someone please explain what a tariff is? I'm confused!
gamer007
I'm stocking up on Pawtucket Patriot Ale. Just in case!
bke143
Two dolls? What am I supposed to do, play solitaire?!
totteryfawn9
This whole situation is freakin' sweet!
Zangetsu22
This is more confusing than one of Mort's stories.
SamsterG
I need a giant inflatable Iron Throne! Now!
kusanag1
At least the Drunken Clam will still be open.