Holy Crap Lois! HP's Stock Took a Bigger Dive Than Me at Career Day!

What the Deuce is Going On with HP?

Alright folks Peter Griffin here your favorite newsman! So I heard this big company HP you know the ones that make printers that always run out of ink when you need to print a coupon for the Drunken Clam well they had a bit of a snafu. Turns out they made more money than expected but somehow also made LESS money than expected! It's like when I try to diet – I eat a salad then immediately follow it up with a family sized bucket of fried chicken. Makes no sense!

Trump's Tariffs: Worse Than That Time I Tried to Decorate a Cake!

Apparently this whole mess is because of those tariffs you know like when Donald Trump slaps extra charges on stuff coming into the country. It's like when Lois tries to charge me extra for beer after I've already emptied the fridge! It's unfair I tell ya! HP's CEO this guy named Enrique Lores is blaming it all on those tariffs!

Escape to Victory (from Tariffs)

So what's HP doing? They're pulling a 'Road to Rhode Island' and moving production to Vietnam Thailand India Mexico and even back to the US! It's like when I tried to escape Stewie's time machine shenanigans by running in circles. Lores is trying to fully dodge those extra tariff costs.

My Brain...It's Making Pancakes!

The numbers... oh the numbers! They're like Meg's dating life – confusing and disappointing! HP made $13.22 billion which is actually UP from last year but their profit? Down faster than I can chug a Pawtucket Patriot Ale. Something about 71 cents instead of 80 cents...all I hear is WAH WAH WAH!

The Future is Bleak or is it?

HP is saying next quarter they are only expecting to make 68 to 80 cents per share that's like a kick to the nuts for the shareholders because analyst were expecting 90 cents which is a HUGE difference. The analysts think HP will make $3.49 per share for the whole year but HP says they will only make between $3 and $3.30 per share! I don't know what's going on but I know I want a beer!

Investor Call: Will They Order Pizza?

So tonight HP's having a big call with investors probably talking about all this mumbo jumbo. I bet they'll order pizza. I hope it's not anchovies. Seriously who likes anchovies? It's like that time I ate a whole jar of mayonnaise – a terrible terrible decision!